Category: jokes

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag. “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you? “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes. “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag? “Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’ He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

Seeking advice from the Reddit community, a mother shared her experience of being turned away by her daughter after being unable to provide the child with a lavish lifestyle. Instead, her daughter lived with the woman’s ex-husband and grew up spoiled. Years later, the daughter knocked at the woman’s door, asking to be taken in after her father kicked her out. Like many relationships, a woman ended hers with her husband when their daughter, Maria, was ten years old. It was an unfortunate circumstance but something she had to deal with. The woman was awarded their house during her divorce but faced financial struggles as a stay-at-home mom. Fortunately, she reached stability when she landed a job in her field. Still, she had to budget her expenses and did not spend lavishly. A man and a woman arguing. her husband had no problem with financial resources and made sure his daughter knew it. Maria’s father indulged her in material things, so the child grew up without financial restraints. Eventually, this strained the mother-daughter relationship.

Once, the woman couldn’t afford to buy her daughter a $1000 laptop, resulting in Maria telling her mother that her father was better than her. In another instance, Maria’s mother tried to get her a job, but it only resulted in another argument. A girl screaming at her mother. When she turned 17, Maria decided to drop out of high school, which sparked a heated conversation between her and her mother. “She told me it was her life and she can do what she wants,” the woman said. Eventually, the argument led to Maria leaving her mom and moving in with her father permanently. A girl screaming while holding her hair. Although the woman tried to contact her daughter, Maria refused to reconnect and said she no longer had a mother. However, at 21, Maria decided to reach out to her mom. The woman narrated: “Her dad has gotten remarried and basically kicked her out. She called me, and we met up. She wants to move back in.” A woman knocking on a door. While the woman was open to the idea of living with her daughter again, she did not accept Maria with open arms. Instead, she listed conditions that Maria had to meet before she would be allowed to move in again. The woman’s conditions included Maria getting her GED, working 25 or more hours weekly, and going to school to plan her career. Maria also needed to buy her personal belongings and share in household chores. However, she need not pay for the rent An angry woman screaming. While getting her life together and planning for a bright future, Maria’s mom did not want her to party every night like she was used to. Instead, she could do as she pleases on the weekends. After hearing about all her mother’s conditions, Maria called the woman crazy and a horrible mother. “I informed her that she made it clear that she has no mother,” the woman said. The conversation ended with Maria walking out on her mom. A woman looking out of her window. The woman later shared her situation on Reddit, hoping to get the thoughts of the online community forum, and received several words of support and encouragement. “Her reaction to your requirements indicates that she doesn’t want a relationship. She looking to mooch off of you and make your life hell again,” one person said. Other Reddit users found the conditions reasonable and primarily for Maria’s benefit in the future. Considering her adult age, she should not have contested her mom’s requests. Was the woman right to give her daughter a list of demands in exchange for coming home and living rent-free after her dad kicked her out at 21? What would you have done in the woman’s place? In a similar story, a daughter-in-law called her mother-in-law lazy for being a housewife and continued to make unnecessary and rude remarks about the role despite being asked to stop. She has since been kicked out of her in-laws’ house.

A man Calls his Boss and says, he can’t come to work today A guy rings his boss and says “Sorry, I can’t come to work today.”

The boss asks him, “Why not? Are you sick? “The guy says “It’s my eyes. “Why? What’s wrong with your eyes?” asks the boss. The guy says, “I just can’t see myself coming to work today.”

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast. Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks: ”What was that ? – Why did you hit me that hard ?”

She: “That was for 25 years of bad s*x. “He continues eating his breakfast thinking about this for a few minutes and than strikes back and knocks her out. A few minutes later she is coming back to consciousness and he explains: “That was because you know the difference between good and bad s*x.

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a wh*sky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody? ”The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging. “Hanging? Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied. “What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked. “Well,” says the bartender. “He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes. “How bizarre,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for? “Rustling,” said the bartender.

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon! ”The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’s the sun!”

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun? ”The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said.

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river. “And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.

“And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river. “He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

We sometimes hear stories about old men that marry young women. It doesn’t seem right, at times, but they will be the first ones to admit that age is just a number.

That being said, there are some problems that can occur when an older man is with a younger woman. Many of these revolve around intimacy, but there are times when they may come up with a plan that works for everyone involved.

That is what happened in the following joke. In fact, this old man had it figured out from the honeymoon forward.

A 70-year-old man had never experienced marriage. One day, fate brings him face to face with a stunning 17-year-old girl, and a spark ignites between them instantly.

Their connection grows, and they decide to tie the knot. Setting off for their honeymoon in Florida, they embark on this new chapter of life together.

Upon their return, his curious friend queries, “So, my friend, how was the honeymoon?”

With a blissful smile, the man responds, “Oh, it was truly enchanting. The sun, the waves, we shared intimate moments almost every night, we -”

His friend playfully interrupts, “At your age! How did you manage such a feat night after night?”

The man chuckles and replies, “Well, you see, we nearly made love on Monday, we nearly made love on Tuesday…”

An 18-year-old woman allowed her boyfriend to move into her apartment without telling him that she owned the two-story building and was having the floor below her rented out. When he found out she was a landlord, he got mad and asked for half of the payment she received. A woman was fortunate enough to have been given a two-story home by her father, designed like an apartment. She knew it was a privilege and turned her property into a source of passive income by renting out the lower floor for $500 while she lived on the second floor. According to the woman, she only charges such an amount because of the apartment’s location, which is an hour’s drive from the city and 15 minutes from the nearest store. A similar modern pad would cost about $600 to $700, so her charge was fair.At 18, she asked her boyfriend of three months to move in with her. At that time, he had issues with his living situation and did not want to move back in with his parents. She offered him to stay with her as long as needed as a solution… They have lived together for three months without him knowing she owned the apartment. Although she does not ask him to pay rent or utilities, they split the grocery bill in half.The woman withheld the information about owning the building from her partner, assuming it was not a big deal. She didn’t tell many people about it except the topic was being raised. However, one day, her tenant knocked on the door and informed her that the freezer had stopped working. Meanwhile, her boyfriend overheard their conversation but said nothing. The woman went with the tenant downstairs to see the problem and told the renter to purchase a new one. The tenant would eventually be reimbursed for the freezer based on the receipt.

When the woman went upstairs, her boyfriend asked for an update on the freezer, to which the woman said it could not be fixed. She added: “I told him no, but [the tenant] was going to buy a new one and I would pay for it. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked me why the hell I would pay for her freezer, I told him that because I am her landlord [sic].”At that point, the boyfriend went ballistic and started yelling at his girlfriend. He asked why she hid the information from him and called her evil. While she apologized, he continued to criticize her. He also claimed that landlords only cared about money and that he couldn’t believe he was in a relationship with one.

“He demanded that I give him 50% of the money I make from rent or else I was just as bad as he thought,” she said. The woman’s boyfriend gave her the silent treatment for a while despite her apologies for not informing him that she owned the property. She decided to call it quits with her boyfriend even though she initially felt it was impulsive. However, she asked her dad to drive by her place and stay by the driveway while they talked. That day, her boyfriend demanded an apology and questioned why she did not want to give him part of her income.“If you don’t rent out for the purpose of taking people’s money, you should have no problem giving any of that money away,” he said. The woman asked why her boyfriend would take the money if he believed landlords were terrible people and only renting spaces for cash. She also asked if he would like her to donate the 50 percent to charity for housing. Although her memory was fazed after, the woman recalled her boyfriend calling her selfish and claiming he regretted ever meeting her. He also threatened to expose her to her friends and unsuccessfully tried to punch a hole in the wall.At that point, the woman messaged her dad, who came upstairs. “My boyfriend just laughed and told us both he never wants to see us again and that he was out,” she narrated. Several Reddit users shared their thoughts and sided with the woman. Some also suggested that she change her locks regardless of whether her boyfriend returned the keys.