Boy: I’ll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole. Girl: ok. (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
…Next Day…(Same boy): I’ll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn’t wearing underwear. Mom:…
On a gentle Sunday morning, the sun casting soft hues of summer, Linda grappled with emotions surrounding her son, Mike’s, estrangement. After abandoning financial responsibilities for his family, Mike distanced himself when Linda chose to support her daughter-in-law, Jane, and their son with Down syndrome, Tommy. Recently learning of Mike’s second marriage, Linda, determined to be part of this significant day, planned a surprise attendance, despite the strained relationship.
In a picturesque garden, rows of white chairs framed a floral arch as Mike recited wedding vows, oblivious to the impending surprise. Linda, concealed behind a tree, stepped forward with Tommy, captivating the guests. Mike, astonished, faltered as his mother and son approached. Linda handed Tommy to Mike, tears welling in his eyes at the reunion. Linda, her voice filled with love, reminded Mike of Tommy’s right to paternal love. Mike’s new bride, understanding the gravity, stepped aside, allowing space for family reconnection. Tearfully nodding, Mike embraced Tommy, silently promising to be the father he should have been. Linda, having delivered her message, watched as her son, grandson, and Mike’s new wife formed a newfound family bond—a moment of unexpected reunion, forgiveness, and the start of a new chapter in their lives.
Mom: Time to wake up and go to school! Son: No, I don’t wanna go to school today! Mom: But you have to go to school. Son: But, I don’t wanna go to school.
Mom: Give me three good reasons why you should stay home, and I will give you three reasons why you need to go to school. Son: Well, all the students hate me… and… All the teachers hate me… and… I just don’t wanna go to school! Mom: Well, I have a lot to do today, and I can’t take care of you today… Two, you are over 40-years-old… And three, you are the principal.
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do? ”The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead. ”Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl. The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay. “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out Goodbye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy. “She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mum. “The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his shopping. “That comes to £121.85,” said the assistant. “How come so much? I only bought 3 items!” The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things too.”
A WIFE WITH 7TH SENSE A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things.
Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!” The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on. The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?” To which the wife responded: “I
did….. They’re in your fishing box”.
Husband Starts Being Rude To His Wife And Leaves. She Responds With This. A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now. “He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so. “Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right. “To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I dont think so. “Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre about to break. “I”m not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I dont think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar! “So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how”d this all get fixed? “She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake. “He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him? “She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
What do men talk about when they are fishing? The conversation will often involve sports or perhaps something that they feel is interesting in their lives. If the men are married, however, one of the things that they are likely to talk about would include their wives. That was the case with these four men who went out fishing together and decided that they would discuss what was necessary in order for them to be out for the day.
Many of them were lamenting the fact that they would have to go through a ‘honey-do’ list but one man had a brilliant idea that probably had the rest of them feeling quite jealous. Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing, or Sex,” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
If you ever have to work in customer service, you realize that there are going to be times when customers will not be the friendliest people in the world. Some of them will be outright rude, almost as if they are taking out all the problems in their personal life on you. Others are just going to be difficult, thinking that they are entitled when in fact, they are giving you a hard time and making it difficult for anybody else to enjoy what they paid for. That was the case with this man at a restaurant and he was getting away with it until somebody stepped up and did the right thing.
(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off)
Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”
Father: *beaming* “No.”
Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”
Father: *still beaming *”Yes.”
(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)
Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”
Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”
Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”
Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free dessert…”
Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”
Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”
Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”
Customer 3: “Hold on…”
(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)
Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”
Father: *still beaming* “No.”
Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”
Father: “Do you guys even work here?”
Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”
(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring)
Father: “You’re lying.”
Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”
(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me)
One of the most misunderstood things in the world is the difference between men and women. At first glance, you would think that we are very much the same because we have the same general makeup. When you start to look under the surface, however, you realize that there is a significant difference between men and women in the way that they think and their emotions. It can sometimes be difficult to understand but this story shows the difference so clearly that you will never be able to forget it.
Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…
“Fred,” Martha says aloud.
“What?” says Fred, startled.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Fred.
“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says Fred.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.
“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Fred.
“That way about time,” says Martha.
“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Fred,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”
And that’s the difference between men and women.
-Dave Barry