Category: jokes

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears, “This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. his tears, “This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison.”

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride? “NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back. “NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.” Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out… “Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the da instead of the Harley YOU RIDE ITIL.

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.

It’s normal to require some assistance when you first become a parent. Having a child might make it tough to be well-rounded when you are in your 20s or 30s and trying to grow your profession and maintain the status quo. We frequently receive assistance from our parents, who are the new baby’s grandparents. They will pitch in to help and, in some cases, may even become a regular part of their lives as a babysitter. This is something that many people rely on, yet it is not universally held in every household. That includes this family, and when the mother-in-law expressed a desire to be compensated for babysitting the grandchild, things became heated. I’m in a difficult situation right now. For the past ten years, my husband and I have been happily married. We have a beautiful six-month-old baby and both work full-time. My husband works from home, and I go to work.

My mother-in-law recently retired and offered to care for our kid while we work. We accepted her offer, and things have been going well. She’s amazing with kids, and I appreciate everything she does. She not only looks after the infant, but also assists with cooking, cleaning, and dishwashing.My mother-in-law and I had a talk yesterday that shocked me. She really requested that we compensate her for the time she spends with our lovely Katie. I can’t believe she’d put a monetary value on spending time with her own grandson. My grandmother used to babysit me and my sister when I was a kid without ever seeking anything, money, or gifts. She did it because she genuinely cared about us. When I was younger, I used to babysit my siblings for free for hours on end. I can’t think of anything to say. I’m very frustrated, and this circumstance is causing conflict in my marriage. My husband believes she should be reimbursed since, without her assistance, we would have to hire a complete stranger to care for our child, which could be more expensive. I’m at a loss for words. I’ve considered everything, yet I’m still at a loss. My head is simply AAAH.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…
naked

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.

So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant ing the little The the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?” The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree.”

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there four hours until it was all done.

The same hours until it was all done. The same thing happened the next day, and so on. Several days later, his parents came up to his room and asked, “Johnny, what brought this on? Your working your tail off! “Johnny replied, “When I got to my Math class on Monday, and saw that guy above the blackboard nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren’t messing around!”

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence…The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Seamus the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Seamus’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Seamus would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. After the mourners left, the Priest approached Seamus and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men? ”Well, Seamus replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

An 83 year old british gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady scarcastially said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting…

The lady scarcastially said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir. The gentleman said i didn’t have to show it last time. Impossible! The woman said, you British have always had to show your passports to get through here! The man passports to get through here! The man responded by whispering, well, when i came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944, i couldn’t find any f##king Frenchmen to show it to!… Wear your poppy with pride.