Category: jokes

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing. One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Seamus’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly. At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Seamus would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached, Seamus and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?” Well, Seamus replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

Life is unpredictable. The truth is that we never know what awaits us at the corner and what challenges we would face in the future.

What we know is that we are oftentimes forced to make decisions, no matter how hard and challenging that is.

A man shared a story of how he wanted to adopt his young sister following the passing of their parents, but that caused tensions in his relationship with his wife.

It was either his wife or his sister. To learn how he handled the situation and what decision she made read the text below.

“I [28M] have been married to my wife [28f] for 2 years. We do not have kids and we do not plan to. I have a little sister [11f]. Due to the age gap , I am more like another father than a brother.

“My father passed away from pancreatic cancer. There are 2 options for my sister: either I take her in or my uncle [dad’s brother]. So we asked her who she wanted and she chose me. Here is the problem, my wife and I decided that we did not want kids, so she does not want to adopt my sister especially since my uncle can.

“But my sister has no parents now and I want to make sure she is able to recover and be healthy and since she wants to be with me, I will not force her to be with our uncle. This is causing a lot of tension with my wife, things escalated and finally told her I am doing this whether she agrees or not, she can either accept it or we get divorced. We have not talked since then. What I can do in such situation?”

“I talked with my wife again. She still refused as she does not want kids. So we basically decided to go our separate ways. She said you really are choosing your sister over me. I told her I do not want to go into this discussion again but if that what you want to hear then fine. Yes my sister takes the priority now, I am choosing her over you.”

“This was our last conversation. I have been living with my sister for 1 week now. Being a single father-ish brother is definitely challenging but I am really enjoying it.”

“I got separated from my wife. I am taking care of my sister.”

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A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. ”I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes.

I need you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip, and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth, and allowing him to suck them gently. “What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer. “Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

An 83 year old british gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously.

The lady scarcastially said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir. The gentleman said i didn’t have to show it last time. Impossible! The woman said, you British have always had to show your passports to get through here! The man passports to get through here! The man responded by whispering, well, when i came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944, i couldn’t find any f##king Frenchmen to show it to!… Wear your poppy with pride

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife… He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, “That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. she sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.” Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?” “The TEETH!

A man had four sons from different mothers…

*Brodwel, Kenneth, Conrad & Dominic*, Now his son’s called for meeting with their father to ask him why he gave them those names and what do they mean? The father replied: Take the first three letters of your names and join them together you will find the answer and please I won’t explain myself about it…

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago.”

The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: “You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The Nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy’s case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking “this is incredible. I’ve got to try this again.” Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs.

You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.” Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself “I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.” But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.” She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer? ”The cop says: “What are you doing? ”The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine. ”Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing? ”The young man shrugs:

“Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater. ”Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man? ”The young man says “I’m 22, sir. ”The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age? ”The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her;

I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbor- hood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?” Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”