Category: jokes

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, “Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ”The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, ‘Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Bill’s turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man’s man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it.. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night.”

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother. “He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked “ So why do you have so much hair?

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, “I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop.” The bartender said, “There is no way you can do that. Sure, I’ll bet you three hundred dollars.”

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, “That’s it, you owe me three hundred dollars.” The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there.

He walks back to the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, “Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet.” The man said, “I’m laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done.”

With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting. “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!” The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”

Frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life. After cooking his favourite meal for dinner one evening.

She had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.

It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile. ”“Thank God!” he said, ” I thought you were sitting on the cat.” He never saw her glass of wine coming.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had s*x. “Tarzan not know s*x.” he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree. ”Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.

”Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!” Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

A beautiful woman is sitting next to the little johnny on a plane. There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nosedive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folk, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the johnny who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.”

The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The johnny, elated, go on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a bre@st.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt.

After a good long feel, the little Johnny again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a bl0w job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The Little Johnny shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”

I found the perfect girl Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. “His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.

“A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her? “With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much. “The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, “I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.

The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his p*nis.

“Reluctantly, the husband, Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?” The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.” The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?” The bird said, “I
don’t know; I got hard and fell.”

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.

He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the

tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!