Category: jokes

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, ‘If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!’ Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen.’

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, ‘You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen. ’The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, ‘I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.’

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ’Mummy, I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look, and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’ At this point, Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story; let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight. ’At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look, and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs

The mother had washed her hair and just put rollers in – but she didn’t have a hair net for them, so instead she used a pair of panties to keep them in place.

Her 4 year old son had watched the process and was fascinated. His mother told him: “Good thing there’s only us here, so that nobody sees me like this…” Suddenly, the door bell rang. The little boy, Suddenly, the door bell rang.

The little boy ran to open it, and outside stood a salesman who wanted to speak with the woman of the house. The son yelled: “Mom, mom! Take off your panties! There’s a man here who wants to talk to you!”

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter without clothes on the bed with a vibrator. “What are you doing?” She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband. ”Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter without clothes on a sofa with her vibrator. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed. The daughter replied,

“I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.” A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What are you doing?” She asked. He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.

They sometimes say that marriage is a game for the young, but if you ask any older couples, they will tell you that experience matters the most. Think of it this way, when you first get married, you are careful to do everything right. When you are older, you don’t mind doing something wrong on occasion. That fact can be seen in the funniest way when an old man starts a farting contest with his wife.

It’s a moment in time of laughter and love, but it ends with a moment of regret. Read on. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’ His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’ A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’ After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha.

I’m ahead 14 to 7.’ Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’ Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.

Three men are trying to cross a river. The first one prays and says, “Please give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! He grows huge arms and legs and swims across the river.

The second man prays and says, “Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river.” Poof! A rowboat appears in front of him and he rows his way across the river. The third man, seeing what the others have done, prays and says,

“Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.” Poof! He turns into a woman. At that point, she looks at a map, walks down the bank and uses the bridge to cross the river.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says. “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.. ”The bartender says. “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink too. ”The old woman says. “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. “Coming up.” Says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says.

“I would like to buy you one too. ”The old woman says. “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. “Coming right up.” The bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says. “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water? ”The old woman replies. “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, “Uhh, what are they again?”

The blond cop replies, “Ugh. It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it. “Oh yeah,” says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, The blond cop opens it , takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, “I’m sorry ma’am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn’t have pulled you over

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! “Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!

“About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says…”Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates. There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun: “Sister, have you ever touched a man unit? ”The Sister replies: “Yes, with the tip of my finger”

“OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go “The next sister approached St Peter and He made the same question: “Sister, have you ever touched a man unit? “Yes, I once gave a hand job. “Put your hand in the holy water and in you go.

“At this point one of the nuns at that back starts pushing and shoving her way to the front, when she gets there St Peter asks: “Why are you in such a hurry? ”The nun replies: ”I have to gargle before sister Anne puts her ass in it.”