Category: jokes

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. “What’s this?” she asked. “That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. ”Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??

“Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress. ”The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce. “I understand,” replies her husband, “but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.

But… the decision is yours. ”Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” she asks. “That’s his mistress,” replies her husband. “Oh,” says the wife, “… Ours is prettier.”

An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness, A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too. ”Irish man – “I’m celebrating. ”Lady – “Me too.”

Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating? ”Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby.

Today I’m pregnant! ”Irishman – “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs! ”Lady – “Wow! How did that happen? ”Irishman – “I used a different cock. ”Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!”

A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after. A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.

”The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them? “He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies. The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy? “Denephew.”

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills. “The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened? ”His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…“I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.

It Worked! The headaches are all gone. ”The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful. ”His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ”The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, The husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back. ”He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful! ”The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back. ”He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back. ”With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my Wife. She’s Not my wife. She’s not my wife…”His funeral services will be held on Friday.

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer.

Since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand. “I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it shampoo.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion and the husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass.

His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says the wife. “