A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” “Just so you know.
I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug. ”His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away. “Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer’s dog bites the officer.
Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer: I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer. I don’t know…probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten. ”The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there. ”The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, “Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper? ”Never fool around with a Little old lady!
A father went shopping with his 3 year old son The child was crying loudly and the father kept repeating calmly: “It’s ok Johnny, don’t cry Johnny, everything’s gonna be fine.
“When they reach the cashier, the child continued to cry louder but the father kept reapeating calmly: “We’re almost done Johnny, you’re gonna be home soon Johnny, gonna be home soon Johnny, everything’s gonna be fine. “Cashier: “Wow, It’s amazing how you can speak so calmly to your son, Johnny! “Father: “Actually my son’s name is George. I’m Johnny”.
A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them. “Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary….Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.” Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough…
Children have a unique way with words that can really surprise us and leave us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. It’s no wonder why shows like “Kids Say the Darndest Things” had such a huge audience. Kids just don’t have the same filters holding them back that adults have, meaning they are more free and open to expressing what’s on their minds. And the best part is that because of their innocence, they are always sincere in their commentary, not even trying to be funny. In this joke, a mom and her son sit down for a nice meal at Taco Bell (yes, I know, but that’s not the joke); pretty soon, the little boy has the whole restaurant laughing and his mom red-faced with embarrassment.
My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. S00000….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?” Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!” While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!
Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time…I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.”
“Daddy, daddy,” cried little Jack, “please come and look, my p**sy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won’t move.” Assuming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look. “I’m sorry, son, I’m afraid Tiddles is dead.” Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat’s feet were sticking up in the air.
Quick as a flash, dad replied, “That’s so can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven.” A few days later, dad came home from work to find Jack crying in the garden. “What’s happened, Jack?” he asked. “It’s mummy … “What’s happened, Jack?” he asked.
“It’s mummy she nearly died today, like my poor p**sy cat!” “How can that be?” asked dad aghast. “I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ Oh daddy, if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven.
A father walks into a bar with his son and gives him three pennies to play with. Suddenly the boy starts choking. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father panics and shouts to the bar’s patrons for help. A well-dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue pantsuit is sitting at a table in the corner, reading a newspaper.
At the sound of the commotion, she the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and puts it on the table, gets up from her seat and makes her way to the boy. The woman carefully drops the boy’s pants, grabs hold of his testicles,
and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. As she turns to walk back to her seat, the father rushes over and starts hanking her. “Thank you for saving my son, but I’ve never seen anybody do
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” “All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said,
“I’d better go check.” After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”