Category: jokes

She got a terrible headache and told her husband go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance 몭oor, dancing with everynice chick he could and copping a little feel here and alittle kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” The she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first, he must find a job: Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.

It’s his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. “See that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

Bubba the redneck promptly answers. That there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.” The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class. Bubba replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.” The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.

This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says. “And what about that one?” Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says. “White oak, 242 board feet at best.” The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. asthey near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him. “See that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!” The foreman thinks to himself. “Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?” When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That there’s the front,” Bubba says.THEEforeman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically. “How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?” The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies. Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it.” Needless to say, he got the job and started the very same day.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.” He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

A blonde is swimming in a river.

A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?”

She says, “I’m washing my clothes.” The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?” The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.”

One is nine years old and the other is four. The oldest boy grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out… The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom?”

The boy replies, “Nope, not for my mom.” The cashier says, “Well, they must be for your sister then. ”The boy replies, “Nope, not for my sister either.” The cashier has now become curious, “Oh, not for your mom and not for your sister? Then who are they for?”

The boy replies, “They’re for my little brother.” The cashier is surprised, “Your little brother?” The boy explains, “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike… ” “And my little brother can’t do either of those things.”

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold? ”“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?

”“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter. ”The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? ”“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever. ”“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

Two Italian men get on a bus… They sit down and engage in an animated conversation he lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time. “You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our s*x lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.

He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he’d be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.

He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, “I know you were there he maintained his innocence until the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again.”

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be. “Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am? ”“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.

“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers. ”The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers. The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?

”The officer looked at the sign and laughed.“ Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10. ”The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry! ”The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask … “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared? ”The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”

Married or not you should read this… When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you She sat down and ate quietly Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth But I had to let her know what I was thinking I want a divorce I raised the topic calmly She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question This made her angry She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other She was weeping I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane I didn’t love her anymore I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger I felt sorry for her wasted time.

Resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see To me her cry was actually a kind of release The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning I thought she was going crazy Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms His words brought me a sense of pain From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce I nodded, feeling somewhat upset I put her down outside the door She went to wait for the bus to work drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily She leaned on my chest I could smell the fragrance of her blouse I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time I realized she was not young any more There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again I didn’t tell Jane about this It became easier to carry her as the month slipped byPerhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step Our son had gone to school I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead Do you have a fever? She said I moved her hand off my head Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears I walked downstairs and drove away At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.