Category: jokes

An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Jase, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my potato garden this year; Im just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad. A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heavens sake, don’t dig up that garden, thats where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase. At 4A.M.

the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad. Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.

If she stayed in Italy he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back.

He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

My wife and I were having a serious quarrel when I said to her. “Pack your things and…….!!!”At that point, her phone rang, so I had to stop to allow her to answer the call. It was her dad. The phone was on speaker so I could hear what he was saying.

After the usual pleasantries between father and daughter, he said: “my daughter, I have transferred $6,000,000 into your account, give your husband $4,000,000 out of it, and you can have the remaining balance.” I Am sending a LAND-CRUISER tear rubber jeep to you and your husband for family use.

After the good-byes, the call ended, and she turned to me immediately. “You said I should pack my things and do what…….. ?” I SAID, PACK YOUR THINGS AND GIVE THEM TO ME TO WASH. I will iron them when the light comes.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”

The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”

The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.” With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas!

I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed. “I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!”

”She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case? “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.

We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, “Son, where were you today during school hours?” “At school.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I went to the movies!”

The father asks, “Which one?” “Harry Potter.” The robot slaps the son again.

“Okay, I was watching p**n!” The father replies, “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what p**n was!” The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, “Haha! After all, he is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?” The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”

The other one said, “Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?” The other one answered,” No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.” The other one said, “Well we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one. An angel looked at God and said “What’d you do that for?” God smiled and said “Who’s he going to tell?”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.” But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”