Category: jokes

One is nine years old and the other is four. The oldest boy grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out… The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom?” The boy replies, “Nope, not for my mom.” The cashier says, “Well, they must be for your sister then.”

The boy replies, “Nope, not for my sister either.” The cashier has now become curious, “Oh, not for your mom and not for your sister? Then who are they for?” The boy replies, “They’re for my little brother.”

The cashier is surprised, “Your little brother?” The boy explains, “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike… ” “And my little brother can’t do either of those things.”

A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. “Hi, is Tony home?” “No, he went to the store.” “Well, you mind if I wait?” “No, come in.” They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest melons I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.” Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.

Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names: ‘The tender one’ ‘The amazing one’ ‘Lady of my dreams, She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number to which his sister replied. When she dialed the third number her own phone rang. She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it. Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as, ‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’.

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?” “Well, we can sure try!” she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. “What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked. “Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

The security clerk pretended to check tickets on the dress rack nearest the door. Her eyes carefully scanned a woman who stood hesitatingly just inside the boutique door. The clerk took a quick mental snapshot—old shoes with run-over heels, a small run in her right stocking, out of-style leather handbag, crinkly black nylon dress at least fifteen years old and straggly hair. Not the image of this store’s usual clientele.

She approached the woman, asking the mundane, “May I help you?” The elderly woman smiled and whispered, “Yes, I need a dress.” The surprised security clerk quickly signaled a nearby salesperson who hurried over to the waiting customer. Store policy toward the less desirable was, “Wait on them quickly; get them out of sight.”

“How may I help you?” the sales clerk asked. This would only take a moment, and then she could go on her morning break. “My only granddaughter is getting married. I need a complete outfit for the wedding. I want her to be proud of me. Just tell me what I should wear.’
“You mean you want to see a bridal consultant?” the clerk asked incredulously. The woman nodded her head and followed the clerk to small oval room filled with fancy clothes.

“Why did you bring her in here?” the consultant whispered angrily.
“She wants to be outfitted for a wedding,” the clerk said as she laughed and walked away.
The bridal consultant had been a model in her younger years and still affected the haughty look she believed implied sophistication. She asked the woman to sit down at the small desk opposite her and took out a pad and pen.
“First, I must know how much you are prepared to spend,’ she said. She was eager to get this over with and might as well cut to the chase.

“I have been saving my money for this outfit ever since their engagement was announced last spring. Annie sent me an airplane ticket so I can spend it all on something nice to wear.” Her slightly palsied hand pulled the envelope from her handbag. “I think there is seventy dollars here. you may count it if you like. I can spend it all if need be.’

The consultant quickly counted the money. “Actually, there are seventy-two dollars. Perhaps you should visit our basement thrift shop. They have a few dresses for around fifty dollars.”
“I went there first. Miriam suggested I come to see you,” she said smiling. “They said you would be glad to help me.’

(Oh, that Miriam. She loves a good joke. Wait until I get the chance to pay her back for this, the haughty one thought to herself.)
Just then the elderly woman spotted a powder blue dress on a nearby rack. She stood and walked quickly toward it. Before the consultant could stop her, she held the dress before her in a mirror.
“Now, this one I like. It is beautiful, but not too showy!” It was a plain dress with a long-sleeved jacket edged with just a touch of matching lace, “I should have matching shoes, of course. I will wear my strand of pearls. Afterward, I will give them to the bride as a wedding present. They belonged to my grandmother. Look, the dress is just my size!”

The consultant gulped. She was suddenly feeling a mix of frustration, sympathy and anger. How could she tell this sweet old lady that the price of the dress she wanted was three hundred dollars? Matching shoes would be another seventy-five dollars. Sometimes life just wasn’t fair.

A young, beautifully dressed bride-to-be stood nearby watching the scene. She had just picked up the custom veil she had ordered for her own wedding next week. Her family was well-off and had told her to spend whatever she wished on her wedding. She interrupted the consultant before she could speak to the grandmother about the dress.
“Excuse me a moment,” she said as she led the consultant a side and whispered. “Let her have the dress, shoes, whatever else she needs. Just add it to my bill. Tell her they are on sale. Just take fifty dollars of her money. That will leave her with a little spending money—and her pride.”

“But why?” The consultant asked. “You don’t even know her.”
“Just call it a wedding present to myself. I never knew either of my grandmothers. As I walk down the aisle, I will think of her and pretend she is my grandmother, too.”

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold? ”“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter? ”“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter. ”The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? ”“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever. ”“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

Mrs. Parks, the friendly science teacher, chose to teach her sixth-grade class a peculiar but instructive lesson in a tiny, well-lit classroom. “Class, can anyone tell me which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” she leaned forward while asking with a twinkle in her eye.

The young people’s confusion caused a quiet to fall over the gathering. This was a very unusual question for a science class, and the students exchanged perplexed looks as they debated their best course of action. Young Mary, who was well recognised for her candour, took the initiative. She addressed the teacher while standing up and seemed determined: “Mrs. Parks, you should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they’ll surely report this to the principal, who will have no choice but to fire you!”

Mrs. Parks, maintaining her composure and with a patient smile, calmly repeated her question, “Now, class, can anyone tell me which body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s eyes widened in disbelief at Mrs. Parks’ insistence on pursuing such an inappropriate line of questioning. She whispered to her classmates, her tone both scandalized and concerned, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” Mrs. Parks addressed the class once more, encouragingly asking, “Anybody?” despite the uproar and her determination to continue the lesson.

The room remained still, with the students hesitating to venture an answer, wary of the possible repercussions of another misunderstanding. Fearful of stepping into uncharted territory, they clung to their silence. Then Billy, a shy and diligent student who had always excelled in Mrs. Parks’ class, slowly stood up, his cheeks flushed with nervousness, and with a trembling voice, he uttered, “The body part that increases ten times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

A collective sigh of relief washed over the classroom as the answer to the enigmatic question was finally revealed. Mrs. Parks beamed with pride and acknowledged Billy’s contribution with a warm smile. “Very good, Billy,” she praised. Mrs. Parks turned her attention to little Mary, who had been the focal point of the entire incident. With a playful glint in her eye, she continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

As the money changes hands, the preacher warns him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands… ” “To get him to run, you must say “Hallelujah!” And to make him stop you must say “Amen”.” The cowboy thanks him and rides off on his new horse. Later that afternoon, the cowboy decides to test out the horse…

He saddles up and mounts, then kicks his heels, yelling “Heyahh!”… The horse just stands there, unmoving. Oh yeah, the rancher thinks, remembering what the preacher said, “Hallelujah!” As the horse bolts into a dead run, the rancher holds on for dear life… “Woah! Slow down!” He yells while pulling hard at the reins. But the horse continues running at top speed, straight for the edge of a tall cliff.

“Stop! Woah!” he continues… The horse wouldn’t stop or even slow down. As the cliff gets closer and closer, the cowboy realizes he is about to die and quickly prays… “God, save my soul and forgive my sins, Amen.” Suddenly, the horse slides to a stop, right at the very edge of the cliff. The cowboy, giddy with relief, shouts… “Hallelujah!”

A new blonde hostess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.

The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. “I can’t get out of my room!” “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The hostess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner. Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers. Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm. After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.

When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that. The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.

At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”. The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”. The old man retorted, “Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”. The restaurant went silent. Moral: To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors. We all know, how our parents cared for us for every little things. Love them, respect them, and care for them.