Category: jokes

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5’2″, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. “Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.” I said okay, weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster.

I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn’t drink. I said “you don’t drink?!?” “Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.” Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this. So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: “wanna get a room and knock boots?” She says: I thought you’d never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to drink and do drugs to have a good time.

Children have a unique way with words that can really surprise us and leave us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. It’s no wonder why shows like “Kids Say the Darndest Things” had such a huge audience. Kids just don’t have the same filters holding them back that adults have, meaning they are more free and open to expressing what’s on their minds. And the best part is that because of their innocence, they are always sincere in their commentary, not even trying to be funny. In this joke, a mom and her son sit down for a nice meal at Taco Bell (yes, I know, but that’s not the joke); pretty soon, the little boy has the whole restaurant laughing and his mom red-faced with embarrassment.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?

“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. S00000….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?” Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!” While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time…I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.”

Sometimes seem to forget what the true meaning of church is. Now, a hilarious story is going viral that serves as a reminder that church is not about fancy clothes, An older cowboy walked into a church one Sunday morning that was located in a wealthy part of town.

Though his clothes were clean, he was wearing jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were all tattered up. He was also carrying an old cowboy. The wealthy congregants of the church were all dressed in their finest outfits, and they stared at the cowboy with judgmental glares when he walked into the sanctuary.

Nobody would even greet him, and when he sat down, those next to him moved away from him to other seats. They made no attempt to hide the fact that they were completely appalled by his appearance.

“Daddy, daddy,” cried little Jack, “please come and look, my p**sy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won’t move.” Assuming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look. “I’m sorry, son, I’m afraid Tiddles is dead.” Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat’s feet were sticking up in the air.

Quick as a flash, dad replied, “That’s so can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven.” A few days later, dad came home from work to find Jack crying in the garden. “What’s happened, Jack?” he asked. “It’s mummy … “What’s happened, Jack?” he asked.

“It’s mummy she nearly died today, like my poor p**sy cat!” “How can that be?” asked dad aghast. “I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ Oh daddy, if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven.

A boy comes home from school and says to his father, “Dad, my math teacher wants see you.” The father asks, “Why, what happened?” Well she asked me, ‘What is 7 times 9?’ and I answered ’63.’ Then she asked, ‘What about 9 times 7?’, so I said ‘What’s the f**king difference?’” “Right, what is the difference? I’ll go talk to her.” replies the father. The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, “Dad, did you go by the school yet?” “Not yet,” the dad replies.

The boy says, “Well when you do, the gym teacher wants to see you too.” “The gym teacher, why?” asks the father. The boy answers, “Well we had gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I said ‘What, am I supposed to do, stand on my d**k!?’” “Didi, “Ridiculous!” says the father. “I’ll talk to him.”

The next day, the boy asks his father, “Did you go by the school?” “No, not yet.” “Well don’t bother, I got expelled.” The father looks surprised and asks, “Why did you get expelled?” They called me to the principal’s office, and the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher were there.” “What the f**k was the art teacher doing there?” the father asks. The boy replies, “That’s what I said!”

Three guys go in for a job interview. The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” I’m sorry,” says the interviewer, “but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!”

The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry,” says the interviewer, “but I’m very sensitive about my ears,

I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him, “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and done the damages with all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again do the same with all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried.

Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but also he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: “You deserved it, you h**rny bastard! And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!, they are about to land.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

One day at school, little Charlie needed to go to the restroom quite urgently. He raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go.

“But Miss, I am bursting to go,” said Charlie. “You may go, but after you say the full alphabet,” declared the teacher.

“A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z,” he said. Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, “Charlie, where is the ‘P?’” He answered, “Halfway down my legs, Miss.”

A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene.

The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car Pull, Zoomer, pull” the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn’t move. Pull, Radar, pull” the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still Pull, Dasher, pull” yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock.

Pull, Dusty, pull” shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort. The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer: “Why do you call your horse different names?” You see,” the farmer replies, “Dusty is blind. “If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn’t have pulled.”