Category: jokes

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,

“GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER,
KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER !!!

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better and to help with their spelling. She explained: “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.” The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.” Marcy replied: “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said: “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?” Kevin stood up and announced: “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said: My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…” Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said: “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be. “Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am? ”“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.

“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers. ”The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers. The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10? ”The officer looked at the sign and laughed.“ Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.

”The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry! ”The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask … “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared? ”The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”

The teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students, Little Johnny put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when Little Johnny said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet. Little Johnny then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

Little Johnny then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She then mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” Little Johnny said, “Oh, I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States.

We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?” “What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”

Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away. “Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer’s dog bites the officer.

Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:

I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer. I don’t know…probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

Just before he died he said to his wife, “When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.” And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.

Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say, “Wait a minute!”

She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. Her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?” The loyal wife replied, “Listen I’m a Christian I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him.” “You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!” “I sure did,” said the wife, “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it he can spend it.

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter. The lady asks,

Beef tongue,” replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “Ewww! Gross! No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!” The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”