Category: jokes

A man was driving in a very rural area. Suddenly he saw a sign, “St Mary’s Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles.” He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.

He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, “I am here for the brothel.” The nun just nodded and took him down a long and winding corridor. At the end, next to a door, there sat an even older nun.

She said nothing, and just pointed at a small sign saying $200. He paid, and the nun opened the door and pushed him through. As the door locked behind him, he saw he was back in the parking lot, and in front of him a small sign: “You have just been screwed by the nuns of St Mary.”

Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” “I’m terribly sorry to hear that.
Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy.

Just take the day off to relax and rest.” The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?” “No,” re plies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says, Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager invo lved”

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam” the man moans. And where ya from Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony”

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program.

Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.” The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”

“I’d like to buy a horth” He says to the owner of the farm. “What sort of horse?” Said the owner. “A female horth” The dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a lovely mare. “Nithe horth.” Says the dwarf, “Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the dwarf and holds him to show him the hor ses eyes.

“Nithe eyeth.” Says the dwarf, Can I thee her teeth?” Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. “Very nithe teeth…. can I see her eerth?” The dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but doesn’t want to risk spoiling the sale Again he picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

“Nithe eerth” He says. “Now. ..can I see her twot?” With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail, right into the lady parts. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: “Perhaps I should weefwaze that…” “Can I see her wun awound?”

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.” She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady. The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

Two nuns painting a room in their convent, They decide to strip naked so they don’t get paint on their robes. Seconds later there is a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” shouts the nuns. “Blind man” says the voice… The two nuns look at each other, shrug and decide no harm can come from letting a blind man in the room. They open the door. “Frackinhell cracking tits!!” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds put?”

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: “$65,000.” MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.” MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.” WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!” MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.”

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: “Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back.”

Just a joke. No hard feelings!A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded. “What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.”