Category: jokes

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.”

“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” “Not Bill,” said the cabby. “He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.” “Bill was really something, huh?” “Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby.

“Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything. “Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.” “No wonder you remember him,” the man said. “Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby. “Then how in the world do you know so much about him?” “I married his widow,” replied the cabby.

Sue phones her husband at work,” Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.

”“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”

“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, ” so just quickly tell me the good news. ””Oh, all right then, the good news is that the airbag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it… This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman! Even if you didn’t know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.” “Oh thank God!” said Lois. “ I can’t tell you what a weight that is off my chest.” “Glad we cleared that up,” said Clark. “So I guess this means you were Batman too.”

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, “Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.”

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink? ”Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, “Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.”

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?” To which, the drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.”

He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.

Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

An old man is laying in bed, he only has a day or two left. He wakes up to the smell of his favorite thing in the world, chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen.

So he musters all his energy and pulls himself out of bed and then drags himself down to the kitchen because he can no longer walk. He makes his way into the kitchen and using the last of his strengthhe reaches for the plate of cookies on the counter and just as he is about to grab one of his prizeshis wife slaps his hand away and says “Don’t eat those cookies they’re for the funeral!”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi*gra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow. “Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110. “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and The attendant said, ”That’s fine miss, but you’ll have to go to your seat.” The blonde responded again, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”

This conversation continued, always with the blonde’s same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde’s ear and the blonde immeadiately gotup and went to her seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, “I just told her that this part of the plane wasn’t going to New York.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’ He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”