Category: jokes

A nun wakes up one morning and decides to go for a walk. She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes. As she’s walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to ignore it and keeps on walking. A few moments later she runs into another nun who says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!” By the end of the hallway and after 5 more encounters the nun is FURIOUS, and marches straight to the head sister’s office and throws the door open.

The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts, “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT’S ALL I’VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I’M FED UP WITH IT!”The head nun, stunned, says calmly, “I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask… … why are you wearing the bishop’s slippers?”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” Wearily, she raised her head, and said; “You idiot, I meant my dress size. ”The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy: Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below… Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll warn you about what happened last week! He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! But then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!” Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?” Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement. “Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

“She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!” Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!”

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much! “Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.” Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica comes along.

In a court trial in a small town in Nebraska the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand. He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?” She answered, “Of course I know who you are, Mr. Rawley. I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.

You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher. Oh, I know who you are all right.” The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor. Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”

She replied, “Of course I do. I’ve known Mr. Carbuncle ever since he was a child. He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse. He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county. On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife. Yes, I know exactly who he is.” The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke. The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice, “If any of you brats ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind bars for life!”

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.” And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “A gorgeous Italian girl! ”The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?” “Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present? ”“Which present?” She asked. “The one I asked for – a gorgeous Italian girl!” “Oh, that” she said, “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!”

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy. “In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.

In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.

The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute. Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph.” Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.” Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here? ”“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m going to explode.”

“You’re ovulating, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” “Never,” said Ralph. “Well just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster “It’s no big deal.” Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell… “RALPH WAKE UP. YOU s*** THE BED!”