Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag. “You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!” The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind, and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there. ” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. ”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man. “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork. ”The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man. ” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you. The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here? “
Funny Joke – Little Jonny Asked His Mother. Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked “So why do you have so much hair?
There’s a saying that I can remember my mother and grandmother referring to over and over again, a man may work from sun to sun but a woman’s work is never done. That was true in generations gone by but today, we often see that husbands pitch in and help take care of the work around the home. Of course, that is not true in every part of the world and in some cases, it is still considered the woman’s responsibility to clean, cook and care for the children.
Some men may even try to exert this supposed authority on their wives even today, but as you are about to see, it can end up having the most hilarious results. Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a girl from Thailand. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life. After cooking his favourite meal for dinner one evening.
She had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.
It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile. ”“Thank God!” he said, ” I thought you were sitting on the cat.” He never saw her glass of wine coming.
“With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?” “No”, said her husband. She gave him a s*xy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked: “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? ”No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another s*xy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. “Now” she said: “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?” “No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied: “Good go look in the garage.”
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re pr*stitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassingly. “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem.
I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray, Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that awful phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “This may very well be the solution. ”The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had s*x. “Tarzan not know s*x.” he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree. ”Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.
”Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!” Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..