Category: jokes

Married or not you should read this… When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you She sat down and ate quietly Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth But I had to let her know what I was thinking I want a divorce
I raised the topic calmly She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question, This made her angry
She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other
She was weeping
I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane

I didn’t love her anymore

I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces

The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see

To me her cry was actually a kind of release

The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table

I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing

I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible

Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me

But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning

I thought she was going crazy

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions

She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd

No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed

So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy

Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms

His words brought me a sense of pain

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset

I put her down outside the door

She went to wait for the bus to work

I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily

She leaned on my chest

I could smell the fragrance of her blouse

I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time

I realized she was not young any more

There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her

For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning

This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again

I didn’t tell Jane about this

It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by

Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning

She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one

Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger

I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart

Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out

To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life

My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly

I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway

Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally

I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step

Our son had gone to school

I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy

I drove to office…

jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs

Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead

Do you have a fever? She said

I moved her hand off my head

Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce

My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore

Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up

She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears

I walked downstairs and drove away

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife

The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card

I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice

She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship

It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank

These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy

Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

Two guys grow up together and are best of friends. But after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why Hooters?” “They have those servers that are so hot, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.” “You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again “Where you wanna go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Again? Why?” “They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.” “OK.” At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.” “OK.” At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.” “Good choice” At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.” “Great choice.” At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Because we’ve never been there before.”

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. “Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”

“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied. “He wants to have his way with us.” “Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. “In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked. “What do we do?” “Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.

“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.” Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.

“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped. “It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?” “Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath. “He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.” “Oh dear, Sister then what?” “He pulled down his pants…” “Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed. “Then what happened?!” “Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained. “A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”

Sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”.

Know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.” “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then.

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond.

So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says: “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” She whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up,

“Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” He asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?”

“Yes, I remember.” Says the wife lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when she shoved a sh*tg un in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?’” “I remember that, too.” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says:“I would have gotten out today.”

Overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her. However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses, How do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me Go find and marry someone else of your level.” Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily.

Roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall. She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?” The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing

Not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side. But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said, “Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!” “Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man. “Mr

Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss
He owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.

The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr

Carter

I’ve got to get going

I have important things to attend to

It was splendid seeing you today

Have a great day!”

For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away

Having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”

“Yes, dear

He’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story

They said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.

Because of that, he worked really hard

And because he’s smart, he became successful

Now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month

Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”

The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”

The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.

Morals of the story: Life is short

Furthermore, it is just like a mirror – you can only see as much as it reflects.

So don’t be too arrogant or proud by looking down on others because of their current situations

Things and circumstances can change with time.

Sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”.

Know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.” “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then.

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond.

So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says: “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” She whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up,

“Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” He asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?”

“Yes, I remember.” Says the wife lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when she shoved a sh*tg un in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?’” “I remember that, too.” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says:“I would have gotten out today.”