Category: jokes

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife follows him and asks, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” John admits that he did. She says, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill’s wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves. When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?” Reluctantly, she replies, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.” Next Bill asks, “Did he give you $100?” She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.” “Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife.

“Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse.
But if you stop your car or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray.

When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell. Like the owner of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those whom God places in our lives. Other times, we are the guide horse, helping others see the way. Good friends are like this. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell, and I’ll listen for yours.

We need to have fun like everyone else. Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break……?” He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Ar*e Hole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a “Sh1t Head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

Overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her. However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses, How do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me Go find and marry someone else of your level.” Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily.

Roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall. She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?” The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing

Not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side. But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said, “Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!” “Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man. “Mr

Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss
He owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.

The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr

Carter

I’ve got to get going

I have important things to attend to

It was splendid seeing you today

Have a great day!”

For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away

Having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”

“Yes, dear

He’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story

They said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.

Because of that, he worked really hard

And because he’s smart, he became successful

Now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month

Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”

The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”

The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.

Morals of the story: Life is short

Furthermore, it is just like a mirror – you can only see as much as it reflects.

So don’t be too arrogant or proud by looking down on others because of their current situations

Things and circumstances can change with time.

An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring. She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said.

“Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?” The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.

When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost. She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?” The young man replied with a pale and shocked face, “Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Joseph responds,

“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe. “I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.

She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?” Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I’.”

The postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?” “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.” “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”