Category: jokes

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s front beauty and I was wondering if I might see yours.” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes sister?” “I have never seen a man’s manhood. Could I see yours?” “I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?” This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting his all manhood on the hand.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my manhood in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.” “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s a*s and lets get the hell out of here.”

This morning at about 7:45. I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’re never going to get in there!”

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.

“Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving

Little Johnny got kicked out of school today.

The teacher asked him, “If I gave you twenty dollars.

And you paid five dollars to Kate, five dollars to Sally and five dollars to Linda.

What would you have?”

Apparently ‘Three bl**jobs and enough left over for a Kebab’ was the wrong answer.

” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to S*ria. ” The nun said, “I understand completely.

” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher,

you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to S*ria either.”

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping,

all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It’s a slow night and he has no customers. He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, “Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?” “Certainly, Sister, what is it?” “Well, it’s not for us, you understand, it’s for Father Murphy.

He’s suffering from a bad case of the constipation, and the only thing that helps the poor man out is a wee drop of whiskey.” The other nun continues, “We’d go to the shop, but gossips in this town being as they are, we thought we’d ask you for this favor instead, as we know you’re a discreet man and can keep a secret, as all bartenders do.”

The bartender replies, “Certainly, Sisters, I’ll just be a moment.” He returns and hands them an unopened bottle of some fine Scotch single-malt. Later, he locks up and starts driving home, and what does he see, but the two nuns, walking down the middle of the road, weaving, and singing at the top of their lungs. He can see the bottle, and it’s all gone except for the last inch or two.

He pulls over and rolls down the window. “Sisters!” he exclaims. “I thought you said that bottle was for Father Murphy’s constipation!” “Oh, but it is,” one replied. “When we get back, and he sees us in this condition, he’s going to shit himself!”

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:

‘The tender one’

‘The amazing one’

‘Lady of my dreams,

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.

When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,

so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as

‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’