Category: jokes

Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.

He was an amazing guy.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.” Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

Little Johnny was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: “How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher, amused, said, “I don’t know, how?” Little Johnny then said, “You open the door and put it in there!” Then Little Johnny asked the teacher another question “How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?” The teacher then replied, “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?”

Little Johnny said, “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.” Then he asked another question: “All the animals went to the tiger’s birthday party, except for one animal, which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The tiger?”

Then Little Johnny said, “No, the giraffe because he’s still in the fridge.” Then he asked her just one more question: “If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it, how would you?” The teacher then says: “Well. you would walk over the bridge.” Then Little Johnny says “No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger’s birthday party!” She laughs and walks away.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal*Mart when they collide: The first old guy says to the second guy. “Sorry about that.

I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The second old guy says. “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first says. “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?” The second old guy says. “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?” The first old guy says. “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test: “Here is your first question.” The foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine?” “Without numbers?” The old man says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” The boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.

“Fair enough.” Says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.

The boss scratches his head and says. “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.” “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?” The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.

The boss looks at the man’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?” The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers. “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”

The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”

The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.” With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.” The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.

He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.

He says, “That’s disgusting!”

Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”