Category: jokes

This one is a real “gotcha.” We know some folks that can really relate to this woman who keeps a might fine home… usually. If you can understand her dilemma, you might want to send this one to a friend. A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here?!”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

A little guy gets on a plane and sits by the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer, and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest. About five minutes later, the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. “So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

One day at school, little Charlie needed to go to the restroom quite urgently.

He raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go.

“But Miss, I am bursting to go,” said Charlie. “You may go, but after you say the full alphabet,” declared the teacher.

“A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z,” he said.

Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, “Charlie, where is the ‘P?’” He answered, “Halfway down my legs, Miss.”

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you. ”“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How did you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better. ”The manager was impressed No problem with the other guy snoring, then? ”“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.

He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?” “Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl De-niece.” The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?”

“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”

Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open. He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.”

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.”

A student asked his teacher, “What is Greed?” The teacher said, “In order to answer your question, go through the chocolate factory next to our school and pick the one chocolate you like the most. But there is a rule.

As you pass through the factory, you can not turn back. You must pick the chocolate as you go forward only.” The student went to the chocolate factory. As he walked through, He saw the one chocolate wrapped nicely, he instantly liked it but he wondered that he may find much bigger one further. So, He walked further, then he saw another chocolate. But again, he thought the same.

When he started to reach near the end of the factory, he couldn’t see any chocolates as big as the one he didn’t pick earlier and started to regret his decision of letting it go. Finally, he gave up. He went back to the teacher with an empty hand and gave an explanation of what he did.

The teacher told him, “You did like the one chocolate very much but still you kept looking for a bigger one. And later you realized that what you let go off was the best chocolate you could find there. That my dear is called Greed.”

Moral: We let go of many good things in our life because of our greed of having even better things. Our Human Nature is such that we always want better and better. But in the search of better, we let go of many good things which could have given us similar satisfaction and made us happy. Learn make your choice wisely.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch.

It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The Playground and the drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. “Hi Sweetheart, it’s Mike I’m on the Train.

Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting. No, honey, I was not with Paula from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting. No Sweetheart, you’re the only one in My life. “Yes, I’m sure dear”.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone. “Darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.” Now, mike is back from the hospital and doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.