Category: jokes

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself She approaches the salesman and says “I would like to buy this TV.” The salesman says “sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don’t think you know what you’re looking for.” Upset, the blonde storms out and thinks to herself “He won’t sell me the TV because I’m a woman and he thinks I need a man to choose for me, I’ll show him.”

She goes and buys a disguise with a short haired wig and fake mustache then later returns to the store dressed as a man. She looks around and finds her TV again and walks it over to the counter. In her best male voice she says “Good evening sir, I would like the purchase this TV.” The salesman sees right through her disguise and says “aren’t you the blonde woman from earlier? I told you I will not sell you this.”

The blonde gets upset and storms out once more thinking to herself “So he won’t sell me the TV because I’m blonde, figures! I’m coming back and I’ll get that TV!” She goes to a local salon and has her hair and eyebrows dyed brunette and once again returns to the store. She picks up her TV and puts it on the counter and says “I would like to purchase this television.”

The salesman slams his hands on the counter and says “Lady listen you can’t keep coming back here and trying to purchase this!” Confused the blonde says “How did you know it was me? You saw through both disguises, are you some sort of detective?” The salesman replies “I know it’s you because you’ve been trying to buy a microwave all day, not a goddamn TV!”

A doctor goes out and buys the fastest and flashiest car he can find, a brand new Ferrari 488, costing him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”The doctor grins and replies, “A brand new Ferrari GTO.

It cost half a million dollars!” “Because this car can do up to 225 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The old moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be… and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old geezer, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 225 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive! He runs up to the bruised old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Well son, you can unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires.

“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.

“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back
upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said.

“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it.” He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?” She answers, “Your horse called.”

The first nun says, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun says, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of c*ndoms!” “Oh my!” gasp the other nuns.

“What did you do?” they ask. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replies.

The third nun faints.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.

One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn’t dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke.

She says, “I’m not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me.” He thought for a moment and asked, “What is the capital of Massachusetts?” She quickly replied, “M”!

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.”

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.” Finally, the priest yelled, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.”

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.” So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?” To which the priest replied, “By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!”

A hilarious story is going viral this week that is sure to bring a smile to your face! When Mike was about to get married to Karen, his father sat him down for a talk. “Mike, let me tell you something On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on,’” the father began.

“She did and said, ‘These are too big I can’t wear them.’I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike, thinking that he should try that out himself. When Karen and Mike were on their honeymoon, he took off his pants and said, “Here – try these on.”

Karen tried the pants on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me. ”“Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that,” Mike told her. Karen immediately took off her own pants and handed them to Mike. “Here – you try on mine,” she said. Mike tried them on and said, “I can’t get into your pants.”

“Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will,” Karen fired back. LOL! How perfect is that?!

The wife bought a new see through nighty,

wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.

Aroused Husband says, “You look so beautiful and seexy my darling.”

The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store

and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.

I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong seexdrive.” The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…”