Category: jokes

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client… … and said to him, “ Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she
informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she
thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant
businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.

What is it?” The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Ben asks his new girlfriend for a HJ.
“Ive never done that” she says, “what do I do ?”
“Well” replies Ben, “remember when you were a kid and you’d shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it … that’s what you do.”

She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears.
She asks ‘Whats wrong ?’
Ben cries “TAKE YOUR F*****KING THUMB OFF THE END!”

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him,but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size,
but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

Just a joke. No hard feelings!A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother,
was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.

“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

‘Should we take a DNA test?’ they asked in the caption.

Carley Gonschior and Mercedes Stewart, a lesbian couple from Canada, have gone viral on TikTok after claiming they may be half-sisters

According to the duo, they recently discovered their mothers slept with the same man, and they may share a father

Thousands of people have taken to the comments to share their opinions, with many noting that Carley and Mercedes do look eerily similar.

One person commented: ‘That could explain why you two look like sisters….’

‘When I first saw u I thought u were sisters,’ another agreed, while someone else added: ‘I HAVE ALWAYS SAID Y’ALL LOOK RELATED.’

Others insisted that they take a DNA test to find out if they are half-sisters.

‘Take one immediately,’ one TikTok user wrote.

Thousands of people have taken to the comments to share their opinions, with many noting that they do look eerily similar. The couple claimed they are ‘scared’ to take a DNA test

‘WE’RE SCARED,’ they responded.

There were also some skeptics who had a hard time believing their story was real.

‘I can’t tell if this is real or just a TikTok joke…?’ one person admitted, while another added: ‘I feel like this is a joke but [you] do [for real] look exactly the same.’

Carley and Mercedes also sparked a debate about whether they have to break up if it turns out they are half-sisters when they asked: ‘If we’re actually related is it wrong to stay together?’

‘I personally probably wouldn’t but if the love is real and it’s something you can look past, work for it,’ one person wrote.

 

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Carley and Mercedes have more than 580,000 followers on TikTok

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.”

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: “Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back.”

What’s this about?” he asks the bartender. “That’s our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot. ”Cool,” he says. “What are the three acts?” Well, first, you have to sucker-punch the bouncer,” says the bartender, pointing to a man by the door who is the size of a house. “Then if you’re still okay, we have a pit bull downstairs with an abscessed tooth. You have to pull it out with your bare hands.”

So far I’m not liking this,” says the man. “But I’ll bite. What’s the third act?”“See old Mrs. Jennings down there?” asks the bartender, pointing to an old lady at the end of the bar with warts on her face. “She hasn’t had sex in a long time.

”You know what, I’m good,” says the guy. “Just bring me my usual. ”As the night goes on, one drink becomes many, and the guy decides he’s feeling pretty brave. “Aw, what the heck,” he thinks, and plops a $20 in the jar and heads over to the bouncer, punching him in the jaw as hard as he can. The bouncer crumples to the floor as if made of paper. “All right!” he yells. “Where’s that pit bull?!”He runs downstairs and throughout the bar a howling is heard as if the gates of Hell have opened up, then silence. A few moments later, he comes running back up the stairs, a wild look in his eye.“All right!” he says. “Where’s the lady with the abscessed tooth!?”

Sue phones her husband at work,” Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting. ”“But this won’t take long,” Sue says,

“I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”

“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan,

” so just quickly tell me the good news. ””Oh, all right then, the good news is that the airbag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, “Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.”

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink? ”Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, “Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.”

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?” To which, the drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.”