Category: jokes

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work.

That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?” “Of course my child, What can I do for you?” “Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.

Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?” “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.” Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

“How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language.

Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone. “But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”

“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset….
Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

“Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?”

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out “352!” He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep. “I’ll take this one,” she says proudly. “It’s the cutest!” “Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.” She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady. The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

It’s 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.He asks Bob what they’re planning to do on the date.

Bob politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and scrw?

I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Bob is shocked.
“Excuse me, sir?” “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes this. She’ll do this all night if we let her.”
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father,

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,

“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,

“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!
That’s a real talent you’re wasting.
You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch.
Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some “desert.”
Joe happily accepts again.
When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.

Joe asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: “It was my husband’s suggestion.
When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me ‘F**k him, give him a dollar.
The lunch was my idea.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her,

comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her,

listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive n****ked… with beer.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”