Category: jokes

Many people who work as a handyman find that it is an interesting job. They never know what they are going to run into from one day to the next and sometimes, they may even be in for a surprise or two. If there is one thing that any repairman will tell you, it’s the fact that they need to listen to what is told to them as far as instructions are concerned. If you don’t listen to the instructions, you might find yourself in some trouble and the repairman in this story found himself in a very bad situation.
Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. “Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Laura’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Bob!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

Sue phones her husband at work,” Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.
”“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”

“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, ” so just quickly tell me the good news. ””Oh, all right then, the good news is that the airbag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”…
“Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

“Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”

“Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?”

“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.”

“Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?”

“Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.

Henry was doing math homework, saying to himself…

“2+5, the son of a b*tch is 7”

“3+6, the son of a b*tch is 9”

His mother heard this and asked, “Henry! What is this nonsense you are doing?”

“Oh, Mom. I am just doing my math homework!”

Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?”

Henry: “Yes, Mom.”

Infuriated, she picks up her phone and calls the teacher.

Mom: “Are you teaching math to children by saying… 2+2, the son of a b*tch is 4?”

There was silence for a moment. Then the teacher started laughing.

Teacher: “What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.
The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, “Father, Father I’m cold!”
So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. “Is that better Sister?” he asks.
“Yes Father, much better,” she replies.

So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, “Father I’m still cold!”

So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. “Is that better Sister?” he asks.

“Oh yes Father, that’s much better,” she says.

So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, “Father, Father I’m just so cold!”

The priest thinks long about this and finally says, “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?”

The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can’t help but admit to herself she’s been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, “OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married.”

So the Father replies,

“Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!” and rolls over to fall asleep.

There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.

The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.

For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.

But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”

The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails.

It makes me terribly nervous watching him,” said the first one.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.

“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth.”

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $8 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $3 million.”

“And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

According to the actor, his mother was involved in a car accident late last night and is currently being treated in Los Angeles.

The former professional wrestler known as “The Rock” gave the most recent information regarding his mother, Ata Johnson’s, health in an Instagram post.

In addition, he uploaded a shot of the front end of the vehicle, which had incurred substantial damage, to the internet.

“Thank God, she appears to be in good health.

My mother was involved in an automobile accident late last night, and I think the angels of mercy guarded her as she was taken to the hospital. He told me that she would survive and be further evaluated.”

“This woman has battled lung cancer, a difficult marriage, a head-on collision with an impaired driver, and a suicide attempt.”

“She has overcome adversity in such a way that she proves the existence of angels and miracles.”

In addition, the actor thanked those who work in the police and fire agencies.

“Thank you for your concern and attention to detail, Los Angeles Police Department and Los Angeles Fire Department.”

“I appreciate you were staying on the phone with me and walking me through everything,” he said.

Furthermore, he pleaded with his supporters, encouraging them to love and respect their parents.

“I only have one parent left, so if you still have your mom and dad, hug ’em tight because you never know when you’ll get that 3 a.m. call we don’t want to get,” the 50-year-old former wrestler said.

Her admirers and colleagues in the entertainment business have expressed their best wishes for her quick recovery.