Category: jokes

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid’s room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her…

After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, “Surprised?”

“I sure am, ma’am!” stammered the chauffeur.

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor:
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.” Gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late, i had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present”.”

Not to worry.” Said the dad. “The important thing is that we’re all here together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced. “You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present… Sorry.”

It’s nothing.” Said the father. “Glad you were able to be here.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”

Again the father said. “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said. “Listen up, all three of you, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.’

The three kids gasp and said. “You mean we’re bastards.”

Yep.” Said the dad. “And cheap ones too.”

Married or not you should read this…
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you
She sat down and ate quietly

Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth
But I had to let her know what I was thinking
I want a divorce

I raised the topic calmly
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question, This made her angry
She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other
She was weeping

I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage
But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane

I didn’t love her anymore

I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces

The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see

To me her cry was actually a kind of release

The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table

I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing

I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible

Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me

But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning

I thought she was going crazy

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions

She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd

No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed

So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy

Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms

His words brought me a sense of pain

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset

I put her down outside the door

She went to wait for the bus to work

I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily

She leaned on my chest

I could smell the fragrance of her blouse

I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time

I realized she was not young any more

There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her

For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning

This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again

I didn’t tell Jane about this

It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by

Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning

She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one

Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger

I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart

Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out

To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life

My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly

I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway

Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally

I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step

Our son had gone to school

I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy

I drove to office…

jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs

Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead

Do you have a fever? She said

I moved her hand off my head

Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce

My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore

Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up

She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears

I walked downstairs and drove away

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife

The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card

I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice

She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship

It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank

These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy

Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.
Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I speak with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I speak with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.”What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”

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Two guys grow up together and are best of friends.
But after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers that are so hot, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again “Where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Again? Why?”

“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”

“OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”

“Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”

“Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Because we’ve never been there before.”

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin.
All of a sudden, a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside them.

“Hey! Show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says,

“I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross!”

Sister Mary rolls down the window and shouts,

“Piss off ya’ fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary then rolls up her window, looks over at Mother Superior quite innocently and asks,

Ever been stuck behind a customer with way too many items in a shop’s express lane? A Walmart customer recently shared this story of a cashier taking a stand against a shopper who didn’t feel like following the rules. The best moment I ever had in a Walmart. I was in Colorado Springs. I had a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, and a couple of other things.

This woman whose cart was overflowing, almost runs me over to get in front of me at the 10 items line. The woman starts to unload her cart onto the checkout stand and the cashier says, ‘Which ten items would you like, ma’am?”

The woman stops and says, “What?”
The cashier responds in a calm, patient tone, “This is ten items or less express line.”
While speaking she holds up both hands showing all ten fingers. Then she pointed to the sign above the lane which read Ten Items or Less in both English and Spanish.

The woman gets all red in the face and says, “I want all of this!”

The cashier, “Ma’am, I’m sorry. As I said, this is a ten items or less line, please choose the ten items you’d like to purchase today.”

The woman at this point lets out this noise that sounds like someone poked one of those screaming goats and shoved her still overflowing cart as hard as she could. It almost hit this little old man sitting on a bench. Then she gave all of us who were laughing at her the finger, said “F*** you!” and stormed out.

I purchased my items and tipped the cashier $20 for the best improv comedy moment I’d seen in years.

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.

They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”

“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.

“He wants to have his way with us.”

“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.

They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.

“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.

“What do we do?”

“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.

“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”

Without asking another question, the nuns split up.

Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.

A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.

“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.

“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”

“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.

“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”

“Oh dear, Sister then what?”

“He pulled down his pants…”

“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.

“Then what happened?!”

“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.

“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”

Country music artist Toby Keith has disclosed that he has been battling stomach cancer since the second half of the previous year, but that he has finished his treatment and will shortly resume performing. Keith revealed details about his cancer diagnosis on his official Instagram and Twitter profiles. He said that in the fall of 2017, he received a diagnosis of stomach cancer.

He penned a piece in which he expressed his thoughts on the struggle against cancer he has been waging for the past six months. He informed his followers that he was undergoing chemotherapy, surgeries, and radiation therapy as part of his cancer treatment. He added in his statement that he is now relaxing, recovering from his sickness, and spending time with his family. All of this was included in his justification. He will soon have the opportunity to speak with his admirers, though.

About Keith and his involvement with the music business

Keith, who was born and raised in Oklahoma, worked in the oil sector and was a quarterback for USFL football teams before deciding to pursue a career in music. In 1993, Mercury released his debut record under his own name, which went on to sell more than a million copies and become a commercial success.

The conservatism of Keith’s political beliefs is the main factor contributing to his reputation. One of his best-known songs is “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American),” which was published in 2002 and was inspired in part by the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

Keith’s work has gained a lot of acclaim and is regarded as some of the best country songs. The country song “Old School,” which peaked in the top 25, is on his most recent album, “Peso in My Pocket.”

Keith was honored by being inducted into the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame in November 2017. He performed recently at the Heroes Honor Festival at the Daytona International Raceway.

There is a chance that Keith’s upcoming concert won’t happen.

According to his spokeswoman Elaine Schock, Keith has been given a cancer diagnosis, thus he won’t be singing at any of his upcoming shows for a while. His previous tour was supposed to begin this Friday. On June 17, Keith was supposed to kick off a tour in support of his new album, “Peso in My Pocket,” and the tour was also supposed to stop in other locations. There has been no official announcement regarding the concert’s status—whether it will be continued, postponed, or cancelled—since it was supposed to take place at the Ohio State Fair on July 28.

In addition, Keith has a history of helping children who are fighting cancer. The Toby Keith Foundation was founded in 2006 with the goal of helping children with cancer, according to the organization’s website.