Author: admin

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That’s… that’s correct.”, said the boss, astonished. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results. “Correct!” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.

“Correct!” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was blown away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”

A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, “I see you have already taken your reward.” The poor man responds, “What are you talking about?” The wealthy man continues, “This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.” The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences.

Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, “Your Honor, I trust you, you trust me. ”The Judge says, “Of course.” The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man’s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. “What are you doing?” the rich man yells angrily. The Judge responds, “You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I’m sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.” “What about my money?” the rich man asks. “Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it.

So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”
She replies, “okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.

“But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. “Blue. “Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear. “Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.” She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: “That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked. Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He said he was “only thinking of me”, he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the ladies. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on him.

I e-mailed him and told him that I had joined a Parachute Club. He replied, “Are you nuts? You are 60 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes? “I told him that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him. I told him that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him. He immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses? !This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club. “Oh man, I’m in trouble again, I said, I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!! “The line went quiet and his friend picked up the phone and said that my son had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun….. a friend Stolen from.

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much. ”That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation — nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed. “How was your dinner date?” Asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place where mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates — one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. “I love you, son.” At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I love you,” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family.

She Told Her Students To Use Big People Words. But Was Shocked When A Boy Said This. A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! “You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.

“John what did you do over the weekend?” went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. BIA “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words,” she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the SH*T.” via

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.

Father: Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. Son I see millions of stars. Father: And what does that tell you? Son: Astronomically, it tells that you? Son: Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets. Father slaps the son hard and says- “Idiot, someone has stolen our tent” MORAL: Too much education can spoil our common sense

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship. He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west. ”The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir. ”He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.” The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir. ”Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course. ”The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading magazine. He says, “Hi dar- ling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.

The teacher asked the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up…Little Johnny: “I wanna be a billionaire, go to expensive clubs, find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas.

Buy her a Ferrari, and a beach front house in Malibu, buy her a private jet and expensive jewelry and screw her 3-5 times a day…”The teacher was at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say or do so she just proceeded, “Susie, what would you like to be when you grow
up? “Susie: “I wanna be Johnny’s b**ch!”