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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny.

“Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along. “If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed.

Johnny wanted to have lovemaking with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a £100 if you let me have lovemaking with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his Pants down.” So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, “The bastard used coins!”

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner…unannounced at 7:30 pm after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

Wife: “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done. I’m still in my Wife: “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?!? “Husband: “Because he’s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!”

A Young beautiful teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz “behind my back I’ve got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?” she asked.

“an apple” replied little Raymond “no,” said the teacher ” it’s a tomato but it shows you are thinking. “I’ve now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it.” “An apple,” replied little Ian “No it’s an onion, but it shows you are thinking. ”Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says “I’ve got something under my desk that’s an inch long, white and it has a red end.” “Dirty little boy,” said the teacher “No it’s a match, but it shows you were thinking,” he answered

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!.. Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?” Me: “Yeah. “Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds. “Me: “Right, I’ve done that”, Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!

“Me: “I can see that, yeah. ”Her: “Just behind him, there are two, Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion! “Me: “I can see that, yeah. “Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other! “Me: Okay, I see them. “Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a woman gladiator holding a spear. “Me: “Yes! I can see her! “Her: Right..! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday.

My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full speed, without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital, When he arrived, unfortunately, she was no longer with us. During the funeral, my father did not speak; his gaze was lost. He hardly cried.

That night, his children joined him. In an atmosphere of pain and nostalgia, we remembered beautiful anecdotes and he asked my brother, a theologian, to tell him where Mom would be at that moment. My brother began to talk about life after death, and guesses as to how and where she would be. My father listened carefully. Suddenly he asked us to take him to the cemetery.

Dad!” we replied, “it’s 11 at night, we can’t go to the cemetery right now! ”He raised his voice, and with a glazed look he said: “Don’t argue with me, please don’t argue with the man who just lost his wife of 55 years. ”True Love There was a moment of respectful silence, we didn’t argue anymore. We went to the cemetery, we asked the night watchman for permission. With a flashlight, we reached the tomb. My father caressed her, prayed, and told his children, who watched the scene moved: “It was 55 years… you know? No one can talk about true love if they have no idea what it’s like to share life with a woman.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to class. about it. He did this and returned to class.

Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your Mum!” she said. “I did” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up from school”.

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves. The husband says, “No chance love, they’re way too expensive.

“Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep the husband falling asleep the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and lower on to her thigh. She turns to him and says. “I don’t think so mate. If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell ain’t riding it!”

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn’t want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and

I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. “The silence in the Uber was deafening…..