A teacher asks the class to name things that end with tor, that eat things. The first little boy says. Alligator, “Very good, that’s a big word? The second boy says. “Predator. Yes, that’s another big word.
Well done. “Little Johnny says, Little Johnny says, vibrator Miss. After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything. “Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there’s no tomorrow.
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
“She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called s**ual intercourse, darling. Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called se**al intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy ‘s mom wants to talk to you.’
A pastor went to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after getting his teeth, he preached for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 10 minutes. But the following Sunday, he preached nonstop for nearly three hours.
Until the congregation realized he couldn’t quit, and finally helped him sit down. Concerned for his health, they asked, “Are you Okay? What happened? “The pastor explained, “Well, the first Sunday with my new teeth, my gums were so sore I couldn’t preach longer than 8 minutes. The second Sunday, I felt I could go a little longer to 10 minutes. But, today, I mistakenly put my wife’s teeth in, and discovered I couldn’t shut up.”
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier.
But I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for se” she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am? “The man replied, “Yep, sure do. ”Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run? “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me? “The man replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be. “Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am? ”“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly. “You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.
”The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers. The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10? ”The officer looked at the sign and laughed.“ Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.
”The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry! ”The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask … “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared? ”The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten. ”The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there. ”The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap. ”The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, “Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper? ”Never fool around with a Little old lady!
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house. They both decided it was time to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. “Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this was cute.
“Well,” said Little Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us. “And how will you live? “I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough. ”Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to ..
know all the answers, Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along? “Well,” said Little Johnny, “we’ve been lucky so far!”
Wife: Am I looking fat? Husband: Yes. Wife: Shut up. Don’t you ever dare talk to me!! Wife: Am I looking fat? Husband: No. Wife: Liar!!! Wife: Am I looking fat? Husband: May be… Wife: can u ever b decisive.
Wife: Am I looking fat? Husband: I don’t know. Wife: Are you blind? Wife: Am I looking fat? Husband: Depends… Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else… ARYS FUNNY POSTINGS, Wife: Am I looking fat? Husband: Silence… Wife: Are you deaf?
Two wives go out for girls’ night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, “no called the other and said, “no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties.” The other husband said, “you think that’s bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, ‘from all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you’!”