Author: admin

A s**y Irish blonde at a C**ino, seemed a little intoxicated, She bet 20,000 Euro on a single roll of dice. She said – “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel luckier when I’m n**e”. With that she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled – “come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled – “yes yes, I won…..I won….” She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left. The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked – “What number rolled on the dice?” The other “I don’t know, I thought you were watching. “Moral of the story: Not all drunks are drunk, Not all blondes are dumb.

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are. ”The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age…” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…”We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly.

“Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!” Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!” anel No. 5, an ounce!

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

The mother had washed her hair and just put rollers in – but she didn’t have a hair net for them, so instead she used a pair of panties to keep them in place. Her 4 year old son had watched the process and was fascinated.

His mother told him: “Good thing there’s only us here, so that nobody sees me like this…” Suddenly, the door bell rang. The little boy, Suddenly, the door bell rang. The little boy ran to open it, and outside stood a salesman who wanted to speak with the woman of the house. The son yelled: “Mom, mom! Take off your panties! There’s a man here who wants to talk to you!”

A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn’t move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.

Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find anything wrong. Eventually, he asked the blonde,” Are you sure you’re using the right gears?” “Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use “D” during the day and “N” at night!”?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop chuckles and that?” The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon. Teacher: Wow! What a choice… Do, Teacher: Wow! What a choice… Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning…

Teacher: Who is the President of Iraq? Johnny: I don’t know Miss Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies.

Johnny: Please Miss, can I ask a question? Teacher: Yes. Johnny: Do U know Angela ? 
Johnny: Do U know Angela ?

Teacher: No, why?
Johnny: You need to focus more on your husband!

Children have a unique way with words that can really surprise us and leave us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. It’s no wonder why shows like “Kids Say the Darndest Things” had such a huge audience. Kids just don’t have the same filters holding them back that adults have, meaning they are more free and open to expressing what’s on their minds. And the best part is that because of their innocence,

they are always sincere in their commentary, not even trying to be funny. In this joke, a mom and her son sit down for a nice meal at Taco Bell (yes, I know, but that’s not the joke); pretty soon, the little boy has the whole restaurant laughing and his mom red-faced with embarrassment. My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident? “No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. S00000….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!” While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time…I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.”

A father walks into a bar with his son and gives him three pennies to play with. Suddenly the boy starts choking. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father panics and shouts to the bar’s patrons for help. A well-dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue pantsuit is sitting at a table in the corner, reading a newspaper.

At the sound of the commotion, she the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and puts it on the table, gets up from her seat and makes her way to the boy. The woman carefully drops the boy’s pants, grabs hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

As she turns to walk back to her seat, the father rushes over and starts hanking her. “Thank you for saving my son, but I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. Are you a doctor?” The woman replied, “No, I work for the IRS.”