Author: admin

Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand.”

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows. “Will you look at that” says Paddy, “I’m getting a fax.”

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashingpercussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to dothe same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around everyday and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to doa bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them. “Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary….Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.” Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough…

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and done the damages with all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again do the same with all 150 hens.

The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but also he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out,

limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: “You deserved it, you h**rny bastard! And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!, they are about to land.

Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for. When it was Jerry’s turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years. “Wow,” the leader gushed, “that’s amazing.

Perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long. “Well,” Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips… and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas.

“Well that’s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us,” the lady said maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary,” she said with a smile. “Well,” Jerry said “I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up.”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: ‘Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible. ‘What do you mean?’ said the pirate, ‘I feel fine.’ Bartender: ‘What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before. Pirate: ‘Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.’

Bartender: ‘Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? ‘Pirate: ‘We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…’ Bartender:

‘What about that eye patch? ‘Bartender: ‘What about that eye patch?’ Pirate: ‘Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.’ Bartender: ‘You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?’ Pirate: ‘It was my first day with the hook.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. “Well, she didn’t put it quite like that… she actually said… “Dad, this is my new boyfriend,

Cowboy chili, A cowboy walks into a seedy old café in Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili. After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chili, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke.

“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do? “The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, you go ahead.” “Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”