Author: admin

An old man is laying in bed, he only has a day or two left. He wakes up to the smell of his favorite thing in the world, chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen.

So he musters all his energy and pulls himself out of bed and then drags himself down to the kitchen because he can no longer walk. He makes his way into the kitchen and using the last of his strengthhe reaches for the plate of cookies on the counter and just as he is about to grab one of his prizeshis wife slaps his hand away and says “Don’t eat those cookies they’re for the funeral!”

A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami. As soon as he entered, he noticed an old woman, sitting in one corner. He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted. “Bartender! I’m buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!” The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the old woman. Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, “Thank you!” This infuriated the wealthy guy.

So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, “Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!” The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the old woman. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Old woman simply smiled at the man and said,

Thank you!” That made him furious. So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, “What is wrong with that woman? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts ‘Thank you.’ Is she mad.” The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, “No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this Restaurant.”

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A family is a the dinner table when the son asks his father, “How many types of boobs are there?” Surprised, the father answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs… In her 20’s, a woman’s boobs are like melons; round and firm.

“In her 30’s, 40’s and 50’s they’re like pears; still nice but hanging a bit. “After 60, they’re like onions” “Onions?” the boy asks. “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter turns to her mother and asks, “Mom, how many types of ‘willies’ are there? The mother smiles and answers, “Well, Dear…

A man goes through three stages. “In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. “In his 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. “After his 60’s, it’s like a christmas tree. A tree? she asks. “Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.”

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay.

His wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way,

where are we? ”To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “Where are we?” “He doesn’t speak English” replies the husband.

A woman gets cheated by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.

“I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do.” The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it.

AFTER she finishes eating, he ask, “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes,” she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please.” The monk looks her in the eyes and said, “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.” The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.” The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks “Do you have a motorcycle?” The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, “Do you drink?” The little old lady replies, “Yep, like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”

The biker then asks, “Do you smoke?” The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.” The biker is very impressed and asks, “You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it.”

When we are dating, we often go out on the town and do things that help to keep life interesting. Unfortunately, those days often tend to die down after we get married, and we may find ourselves in a rut.

In the following joke, a husband and wife decide to go out on a nice date, but they also know that it is important to have the house looked after. In their haste, they do something that ends up shocking the taxi driver and potentially ruining the evening.

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door, and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie, we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the backyard again.

Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.

A few minutes later, he got into the cab all hot and bothered and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

“Sorry it took so long, but the stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed, and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. She had better not s*it in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the taxi was deafening…

When we board a plane, we probably are at least a little bit nervous. Even if we fly often and we know all of the stats on just how safe it is to fly, we can’t help but be a little jittery. Every once in a while, however, something happens that makes us stand up and take notice of the situation we are in.

That is what happened on this flight and the entire plane was afraid of what was coming next. Then a lone man spoke up from the rear and said the perfect thing to break the tension.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and… OH… MY GOD!”

Silence followed… complete silence!

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled…

“For the luvva Jaysus… you should see the back of mine!”

I’ve always loved fables and parables. They really can teach you a lot if you let them wisdom soak in. The “moral of the story” is usually something simple that is harder to see in the context of our complicated lives, but when broken down in a simple story, we can see it. I used fables and parables to teach my children whenever I had the chance because it’s always been helpful for me to handle complex issues if I could relate it with a story. It seemed to work for my kids, too. Fairy tales can serve a practical purpose. In the stories below, you’ll find the six lessons that you definitely need to learn before you die, told in a funny way. Enjoy!

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next-door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2/6:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3/6:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4/6:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5/6:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6/6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!