Author: admin

Did you ever go to sleep in class? I admit that I dozed off a time or two when I was in school. In most cases, this could have been prevented had I just gone to bed earlier, but my parents weren’t very strict about that and apparently, I lacked the self-discipline to get off of my video games and novels to get my lazy behind to bed! I can remember one time that I fell asleep in class and my teacher didn’t bother to wake me up. She just let me sleep. The next thing I knew, I was waking up and the entire class was empty. Well, the next day, she had a surprise for me. I had to write 500 times “I will not fall asleep in class.” That taught me a lesson. Enjoy the hilarious joke below.

Pixabay

Little Mɑry wɑs пot the best stᴜdeпt iп school. Usᴜɑlly, she slept throᴜgh the clɑss.
Oпe dɑy the teɑcher cɑlled oп her while she wɑs пɑppiпg, “Tell me, Mɑry, who creɑted the ᴜпiverse?”

Wheп Mɑry didп’t stir, little Johппy, ɑп ɑltrᴜistic boy seɑted iп the chɑir behiпd her, took ɑ piп ɑпd jɑbbed her iп the reɑr.
“God Almighty !” shoᴜted Mɑry.
The teɑcher sɑid, “Very good!” ɑпd Mɑry fell bɑck to sleep.

A while lɑter the teɑcher ɑsked Mɑry, “Who is oᴜr Lord ɑпd Sɑvior?”, bᴜt Mɑry didп’t eveп stir from her slᴜmber.
Oпce ɑgɑiп, Johппy cɑme to the rescᴜe ɑпd stᴜck her ɑgɑiп.
“Jesᴜs Christ!” shoᴜted Mɑry.

Pixabay

The teɑcher sɑid, “Very good!” ɑпd Mɑry fell bɑck to sleep.
Theп the teɑcher ɑsked Mɑry ɑ third qᴜestioп, “Whɑt did Eve sɑy to Adɑm ɑfter she hɑd her tweпty-third child?”

Agɑiп, Johппy jɑbbed her with the piп. This time Mɑry jᴜmped ᴜp ɑпd shoᴜted, “If yoᴜ stick thɑt dɑmп thiпg iп me oпe more time, I’ll breɑk it iп hɑlf!”

The Teɑcher fɑiпted.

If you ever have to work in customer service, you realize that there are going to be times when customers will not be the friendliest people in the world. Some of them will be outright rude, almost as if they are taking out all the problems in their personal life on you. Others are just going to be difficult, thinking that they are entitled when in fact, they are giving you a hard time and making it difficult for anybody else to enjoy what they paid for. That was the case with this man at a restaurant and he was getting away with it until somebody stepped up and did the right thing.

(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off)

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”
Father: *beaming* “No.”
Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”
Father: *still beaming *”Yes.”
(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”

Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free dessert…”

Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

Customer 3: “Hold on…”

(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)

Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”

Father: *still beaming* “No.”

Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring)

Father: “You’re lying.”

Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me)

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’

Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’

Although we live in modern times, hundreds of years removed from an age where the majority of folks believed the world was run by magic, there’s still a small part of us that connects us to our ancestor’s superstitious beliefs. Whenever strange occurrences happen around us, our mind instantly visits that dark part of our brain that’s willing to lend credence to the fantastic. And there’s no area in which our minds do this more than the concept of death. Humankind’s final great mystery still inspires fear and the willingness to believe in even the most logical people. Take the father in this joke, for example. He is a rational man who began to think that his daughter had special powers.

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!”

Please be sure to share this joke with your friends and family.

When we are dating someone, we like to do nice things for them on occasion. It is something that may extend into the time that they become our husband or wife, but we put a little extra effort in when we are dating.

That is what we have going on in the following joke. A man purchased a pair of gloves for his girlfriend and sent a beautiful note along with them that should have explained the gifts very well.

The problem was, wires that crossed at some point and things didn’t go as expected. In the end, it was a hilarious mishap that they probably laughed about for years to come.

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday.

He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written.

Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of panties and sent them to the young man’s sweetheart along with the following note which he had written.

Darling: I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you.

You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however, the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. She said that there are a couple of important care considerations that I should mention to you.

First, when you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away since they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Second, be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so that they won’t shrink.

The saleslady made such an impression on me that I had her try them on for me. She really looked great in them and I can just imagine how great they are going to look on you.

I decided to mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday. I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch you put them on for the first time.

There is little doubt in my mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see you again. I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do as the French do, and gently kiss them. I hope you really like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

P.S. – The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

One of the funnier types of jokes we may enjoy involves beer or some other form of alcohol. Perhaps that is why some of the best jokes in the world start out with somebody walking into a bar.

That isn’t the opening line in this particular joke, but it is one that is sure to make you laugh. It actually starts out seeming as if it is going to be a depressing story but by the end, you will have a big smile on your face.

Make sure you take the time to laugh every day. It really is the best medicine and it is what you need to feel good on the outside and the inside.

Ol’ Patrick Flannerty passed away at his job at the brewery.

His workmates realized that they would have to be the ones to inform his widow of his passing.

They trooped over to Patrick’s cottage at the end of their shift and solemnly gathered in a semicircle before the door.

The foreman politely knocked.

Mrs. Flannerty opened it and looked at the assembled men in surprise.

“Why, good evenin’, boys! Err… Where’s my Patrick?”

“I’m afraid that’s what we’ve come to tell ye, Missus. Patrick slipped and fell in a vat of our finest stout at the brewery today.”

“Oh, no!”

“And, the poor fellow drowned, he did.”

The widow burst into tears. “Ahh, my poor Patrick! He never had a chance!”

The foreman cleared his throat.

“Uhm, that’s not quite so, Missus. He crawled out four times to go to the loo.”

If you died and had an opportunity to come back as something else, what would you choose? Some people probably have an idea of what they would choose, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will get the choice they want.

This is something that we have an opportunity to laugh at because it is the basis behind a joke that is funny from the beginning to the end. Not only is it a ridiculously amusing story, the punchline is going to hit you hard.

If you haven’t had your laugh in quite some time, it’s time for your daily dose. We are providing it in great measure in this humorous story.

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Ralph came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involve a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”

Ralph never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.

Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” said Ralph.

“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”

Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Ralph! Wake up. You’re pooping in the bed!!!”

When we are in a romantic relationship, we expect everything to go as perfectly as possible. We understand that problems are going to happen but we try to get through them with each other and to stick with each other through thick and thin. There are times, however, when the absolute worst can occur and that is what happens when a mate is unfaithful. This type of affair can absolutely be devastating and can cause everything from depression and low self-esteem to trust issues.

As far as the other person is concerned, it is one of the worst things that you could possibly do to somebody who cares for you. They have placed their trust in you but now, you have denied the trust and you may never be able to gain it back again. That is why it is no surprise when people have rather strong reactions after finding out that their significant other is cheating. They tend to get violent and go absolutely crazy. Sometimes, however, they do things that make us all applaud and that is what this woman did when writing an open letter on Facebook.

Melanie started the open letter by thanking the mistress for saving her and her kids from such a horrible man.

She then starts to break down the rules that will have to be followed by the mistress. She labels her husband as a ‘prize’ but she lets the mistress know that the money is hers.

She also says that he will need some clothing because he magically disappeared into a ‘massive black hole’ when she discovered the love bites.

That is when things take a rather unusual and unexpected turn. She says that her husband will have limited contact with the children and the mistress will have none.

We can only imagine what the mistress was thinking when she read this. Suddenly, this man was being outlined in a way that she may not have thought of before.

She obviously put a lot of thought into this letter and we can almost feel the shame that they would experience when reading it.

It can be difficult to deal with something once you realize you were wrong.

She may not have regretted things before she read this but she certainly is now!

More than likely, we have all come across somebody in life that would be considered rude. They just don’t seem to have any ability to consider the feelings of others and sometimes, they will put down other people to make themselves appear smarter or perhaps, more important. That was the case with this man who was well-to-do but he just couldn’t help himself when he was talking to a teacher. He asked her a question that was designed to make himself seem important but in the end, he got exactly what he deserved.

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, “What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?”

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers, “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.”

To emphasize his point he said to another guest; “You’re a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?” Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, “You want to know what I make?” She paused for a second, then began.

“Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.”

“I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can’t make them sit for five minutes without an iPod, Game Cube or movie rental.” She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table, and continued, “You want to know what I make?”

“I make kids wonder.”

“I make them question.”

“I make them apologize and mean it.”

“I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.”

“I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn’t everything.”

“I make them read, read, read.”

“I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.”

“I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.”

“I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.”

“I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag, one nation under God, because we live in the United States of America.”

“I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.”

Pausing one last time, Bonnie continued, “Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn’t everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant. You want to know what I make?”

“I make a difference.”

“What do you make, Mr. CEO?”

His jaw dropped, and he was silent.

Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy, so they no the value of things, not the price.

Ask anybody who has a cat in their life and they will tell you that it is one of the best decisions they ever made. That being said, there are also some people who don’t care much for our feline friends.

Such was the case in the following joke. A man wasn’t happy with his wife’s cat so he decided to do something about it.

The problem was, he didn’t really think ahead and in the end, we get a good laugh at his situation because cats rule!

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house.

The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens.

He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming home before him.

At last, he decides to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right, and so on until he reaches what he thinks is a perfect spot and drops the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes, why do you ask?” answers the wife.

Frustrated, the man says, “Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions.”