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There’s a saying, “Nothing good happens at 3 AM.” While that’s a bit of an understatement, looking back at our experiences there’s a grain of truth to it when you factor in alcohol. There’s something about the middle of the night and alcohol that really encourages the craziest behaviors in people. Even when folks aren’t drinking, most pranks on strangers (before YouTube) used to be done at night. I think this still holds true as there’s something about a dark sky that seems to loosen our inhibitions and bring out the mischief within. This joke is a great example of that as a husband’s forced by his wife to investigate a mysterious knock at their front door at 3 o’clock in the morning.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.

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It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”

“No, get lost. It’s half-past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to the bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.

“He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,

“Hey, do you still want a push??”

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And he hears a voice cry out,

“Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

Unsplash/Lidya Nada @lidyanada

Be sure to pass this one along to your friends and family.

When couples are younger, or in some cases, young in their relationship, there are certain “activities” they may both enjoy together more frequently than those in longer marriages. In case, you’re still not sure what I’m talking about, it’s sex. It’s normal for couples to begin their intimate relationships “hot and heavy” only to cool off (sometimes dramatically) after a few years, especially after having kids. However, the old man in this story has a different problem. You see he’s married to the young, beautiful, wife of his dreams, yet he’s miserable.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

Image Source: Pexels

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love… At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Image Source: Pexels

Thanks for reading. Please be so kind as to pass this story to your friends and family?

When I was a student in high school, I had a teacher who was very attractive but older. Now when I say older, I mean “older” to teenagers, so she was probably in her 50s. She was a confident and self-assured woman, and she knew she was beautiful. Some of the boys I went to school with described her as “hot for an old lady” (cringe). When a teacher of that age gets praise from teenagers, I think it probably says a lot about how attractive I was. However, she was a very nice and cool teacher, and also, she was happily married, so I never dreamed she would actually do something untoward. It wasn’t until years later that I heard from a classmate who I trusted that she seemed to be showing just a little too much leg on purpose. Read the hilarious joke below.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th-grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?”

“I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, I don’t want to see you for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly, there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time, there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you’re going,” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation’s customer service then you will really appreciate this. My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge… (the balance had been $0.00… now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
“I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”
“The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Me: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections…”

CitiBank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”

Me: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

CitiBank: “Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau… maybe both!”

Me: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

CitiBank: “… excuse me …?”

Me: “Did you just get what I was telling you… the part about her being dead?”

CitiBank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor!”

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ”I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”

CitiBank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

Me: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

CitiBank: “… (stammer)” … “Are you her lawyer?”

Me: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given… )

CitiBank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Me: “Sure.” ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death… ”

Me: “Oh…”

CitiBank: “I don’t know what more I can do to help…”

Me: “Well… if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her… I suppose… don’t really think she will care…”

CitiBank: “Well… the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Me: “Would you like her new billing address?”

CitiBank: “That might help.”

Me: ” (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)

CitiBank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Me: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!”

Taxi drivers, whether they are traditional, Uber, or Lyft, all have some pretty wild stories to tell. Some of them can be scary, others are funny, and some just down-right weird. These drivers come into contact with folks from all walks of life who have some fascinating stories to tell. And it seems that for some reason, they are more than comfortable telling these stories to complete strangers driving them around in a taxi cab. Drivers could probably make some pretty good money as mobile psychiatrists driving folks around all day and listening to them talk about their problems. However, in this joke, one taxi driver finds that he may need a shrink himself after he shares his secret desire with his nun passenger.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’ She responds, ‘Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK My name is Gary and I’m going to a Halloween party.’

What did you think? Let us know in the comments section and be sure to share this joke with your friends and family.

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife to let her know he had arrived safely.A little girl picks up the phone. “Hello?” “Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks. No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But, honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh, yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!” “And what happened, honey?” he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.” A long, silent pause. Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.” “OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an “F” in s**x.”

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Check your oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
No NO you really do have too many shoes.
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

The woman was wearing a ragged old dress and had a sloppy look. The hostess immediately ran up to her not even trying to hide her disgust. “Madam you have probably mistaken the place for somewhere else.” All she wanted was to quickly get rid of this unwelcome guest. The woman looked at her shyly and asked is this grandson’s restaurant? The people in the dinning hall began to whisper and giggle.

The hostess looked at the woman with a pitiful look you’re right. This is. What do you want madam? Immediately call the administrator! Shouted one of the disgruntled visitors, I booked a table here in advance not for this beggar to watch me eat! The old lady lowered her head and said softly I will not take much of your time dear.

I have only one request the hostess reluctantly invited the elderly woman inside, to the sound of general disapproval and averted shouts. I would have called security if I were you! Did you notice how she smells? That’s a nightmare! The visitors didn’t hide their feelings at all. The woman went to the showcase with desserts and peered at it for a long time.

The waiters giggled if she hopes to eat here for free she is not getting anything! It seemed the woman did not pay attention to their disapproval. Tell me Honey is it possible to buy only half of the lemon cake? How much will it cost? I have $17 she asked clutching some crumpled old notes in her hand. The waiters barely restrained laughter. “Madam I don’t think you have enough money even for one slice of this cake!” This is a work of art by our chef! Moreover we don’t sell it in halves. The elderly lady turned pale, it seemed that something had collapsed inside her. Slowly she hobbled back to the exit.

Suddenly she was called by a man dressed in military uniform sitting next to his wife in the corner of the restaurant. “Madam comes here please! You don’t look very happy! Has something happened?” He asked with a charming smile. “My daughter.

She was very sick. When she was a kid, we passed by this restaurant and she used to look at the shop windows for a long time. We dreamed of eating the lemon cake here one day but then she got sick. My husband left and I got several jobs to feed us. We have no money to continue the treatment and this cake is the only thing I can do for her now.

But I only have $17. “The tears rolled down her face. Without hesitation the military man summoned the waiter and asked him to pack a whole lemon cake for the woman at his expense. He said today is 17 years since we lost out son Alex. He died in a car accident. My wife and I couldn’t do anything through she is a doctor. 17 years and 17 dollars in your pockets if this is not a sign from above then what is? His wife gave the elderly woman her business card and promised to help with her daughter’s treatment. When the waiter brought out the lemon cake for the lady a grateful smile appeared on her face. She thanked the military couple and headed for the exit. There was deathly silence in the restaurant as no one felt like giggling anymore.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”