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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife’s activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. “I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said. The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!” The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

After retiring, I went to the Social Securiy office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

Many people who work as a handyman find that it is an interesting job. They never know what they are going to run into from one day to the next and sometimes, they may even be in for a surprise or two. If there is one thing that any repairman will tell you, it’s the fact that they need to listen to what is told to them as far as instructions are concerned. If you don’t listen to the instructions, you might find yourself in some trouble and the repairman in this story found himself in a very bad situation.

Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. “Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Laura’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Bob!

One of the most difficult situations we could find ourselves in is to have someone be unfaithful to us. It doesn’t matter if it is a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, it is going to sting worse than most of us have ever felt before. In fact, you might just say that there is not a thing that is funny about such a situation but, then again, you haven’t heard this joke. It shows you that there is humor in almost any situation in life and if you look closely enough, you might just chuckle in the middle of it all.

After 37 years of marriage, Jerald dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jerald and Catherine’s multi-million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave Catherine, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the 2nd day, she had to movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything – cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end, they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. The repairman refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.

They sometimes say that ‘birds of a feather flock together’ and we may see evidence of that in many areas of life. One of the ways that we see it is as far as people of certain classes. Those who are well-off tend to hang around with other people who are well off but those who may be poor tend to do the same. It’s just something that seems to come naturally, but when a mixture of people occurs, it can be somewhat unusual and perhaps even a little funny. That is what we see in the following joke about a redneck man who shows up at a party with his rich neighbors.

A filthy rich Florida man invites all of his friends and neighbors to a party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. He also invites Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ, and flirting with all the women.

There was a 10-foot long alligator in the pool and after a few hours of partying the host announced, “I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in the pool.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and Leroy was in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and the water was churning and splashing everywhere. Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, punching it, and attempting to strangle it. He finally succeeded and left it floating in the water as he slowly climbed out of the pool. The onlookers were staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, “Well Leroy, I guess I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” says Leroy.

The rich man says, “I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks?”

Leroy says, “No thanks, I don’t want it.”

The host says, “I insist on giving you something. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?”

Again Leroy declines.

Confused, the man asks him, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy says, “What I want is the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!”

When we are married, we may be asked many questions by our significant other. Some of those questions are going to come and go and we don’t need to put much thought into them. On the other hand, there are some questions our husband or wife might ask and the way we answer will have a significant impact on our relationship. That includes the question a wife asked her husband in the following joke. More than likely, you have heard this question before and you might have struggled with the answer.

The husband in this joke gave his answer and you have to wonder how quickly he regretted it. The wife turns to her husband and asks, “Darling, if I were to pass away, would you consider remarrying?” Taking a moment to reflect, the husband responds, “In time, I believe I might. We all seek companionship to heal.” Curiosity lingers as the wife inquires further, “And if I were no more, would your new wife reside in our cherished home?” With a thoughtful nod, the husband explains, “We’ve invested much into creating the perfect home. It’s unlikely I’d part with it. Yes, she probably would.”

Continuing her line of questioning, the wife asks, “Hypothetically, if you remarried and she lived here, resting in our bed, would she slumber in our very bed?” The husband’s eyes meet hers, “Indeed, our bed is fairly new, an investment of $2,000. It’s built to endure, so yes, she would.” A mischievous glint in her eye, the wife adds one final twist, “And if you remarried, if she inhabited our home, slept in our bed, would she also take up my beloved golf clubs?” Laughter fills the room as the husband playfully retorts, “Ah, but there’s a catch! She’s a lefty, my dear!

Female waitresses often face challenging situations in their line of work. Despite some male waiters’ claims, women have to deal with issues they may not even consider. Attractive women, in particular, are often subjected to harassment and unwanted advances from some male customers, who seem to have only one thing on their minds – and it’s not food or drink.

Despite these difficulties, most of these hardworking professionals manage to maintain their composure and provide excellent service with a smile, even if they may be seething with anger on the inside.

However, in this particular joke, the waitress does not hold back in expressing her true feelings and making it clear to one customer what she thinks of his “order.” A man enters a restaurant and gets seated. He notices that all the waitresses are exceptionally attractive. One particular waitress, with a curvaceous figure, wearing a very short skirt and seemingly endless legs, approaches his table and inquires if he is prepared to place his order:

“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. …Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

One of the most frustrating situations that many of us have to face on a daily basis is receiving a telemarketing call. It seems as they call at the most inappropriate times, typically right before we sit down for a meal. Even if we tell them that we are not interested, they just continue to try to sell us whatever it is that they are selling and eventually, we will hang up the phone and be frustrated over the entire situation. If you find yourself dealing with this on a regular basis, you will appreciate the way this man handled the call:

Tom Mabe: “Hello?”
Telemarketer: “Yes, can I speak with Tom Mabe?”
Tom Mabe: “Who’s calling?”
Telemarketer: “This is Mike. You have been selected to receive a complete digital satellite system for free. With this you’re going to-”
Tom Mabe: “Let me ask you something. Did you know Tom Mabe? Were you a friend of his?”
Mike: “No I’m not. I’m just calling to offer-”

Tom Mabe: “Hol-hol-hold that thought- hold on a second (to others in the room: Hey guys! Get really good pictures of the body… and dust everything for prints.) Mike, you there?”
Mike: “-Yeah…”
Tom Mabe: “Yeah, lemme bring you up to speed. You’ve actually called a murder scene… Mr. Mabe is no longer with us.. I’m Officer Clarke, I’m conducting a homicide investigation. I want to ask you a series of questions… First to all, what was the nature of the business you had with Tom Mabe?”
Mike: “I…I had no business with him. I’m sorry to have bothered-
Tom Mabe: No no no hang on, I’m going to ask you to stay on the phone… this call has already been traced and we may need to come in for further questioning…”
Mike: “You don’t understand, I’m just calling-”

Tom Mabe: “No, you don’t understand. Unless you want to be charged with Obstruction of Justice, it is imperative that you keep your @$$ on the phone, Mike.”
Mike: “How about you just talk to my supervisor?”
Tom Mabe: “No, we will get to your supervisor in a second. First, gimme your whereabouts…”
Mike: “I’m at work.”
Tom Mabe: “You’re at work?”
Mike: “Yes.”
Tom Mabe: “You bein’ a smart @$$?”
Mike: “No sir-”

Tom Mabe: “Lemme put it to you this way, Mike. Say I want to mail your @$$ a letter. What would I have to write on the outside of that envelope to ensure that the mailman will deliver it right to your @$$? Geographically speaking, Mike, where is work?”
Mike: “40 West (beep), Middleton, Colorado.”
Tom Mabe: “Hold on, that’s 40…”
Mike: “Yes sir.”
Tom Mabe: “Michael, hold on one sec, alright?”
Mike: “Yes sir.”

Tom Mabe: “(off phone to cops) Get the Middleton Homicide Department on the phone. Yeah, give them this information. Tell them there been a Talk In Connection with a fatal shooting and aggravated robbery.” (on phone) “Mike, how did you know Mr. Mabe again?”
Mike: “Wait, you’re calling the Middleton Police Department?! I’m hundreds of miles away! I don’t even know the guy, I’m in Colorado!”
Tom Mabe: “No, no, it’s not that scary, that’s just a formality. Have you been to his place of residence?”
Mike: “No!”
Tom Mabe: “OK, and tell me again what, where were you last night between the hours of 8 and 10?”
Mike: “I’m not feeling really comfortable with any of this…”

Tom: “Have you even ever spoken to Mr. Mabe, Mike?”
Mike: “No, I don’t even know the guy- that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
Tom Mabe: “Ok, great, just calm down, hold on, look, just back up… I’ve got just one more question fer you, Mike… as you well know, I’m sure, Mr. Mabe was a flaming homosexual. And there is no easy way of asking this… I don’t wanna embarress you or nothin’… but… were you his gay lover?
Mike: What?! No! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Tom Mabe: Look look, if gay is your way, that’s Ok. I still know there are a lotta you gay people in that closet. Not sayin’ I haven’t thought ’bout it myself… you know? Go out to Las Vegas, or somethin’. Buy a couple o’ drinks… cut lil’ Mexican midget…”
Mike: “This is ridiculous! (hangs up.)”
Tom Mabe: “Hello?”

They sometimes say that marriage is a game for the young, but if you ask any older couples, they will tell you that experience matters the most. Think of it this way, when you first get married, you are careful to do everything right. When you are older, you don’t mind doing something wrong on occasion. That fact can be seen in the funniest way when an old man starts a farting contest with his wife.

It’s a moment in time of laughter and love, but it ends with a moment of regret. Read on. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’ His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’ A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’ Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’ Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.