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So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to his office, he regretted it and decided it wasn’t worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed, find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: It had never been occupied That there was plenty of heat, That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady! Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500, or I’ll be forced to contact your current landlady.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘ ‘Is your daddy home?’ ‘Small voice whispered, ‘Yes, he’s out in the garden,’ ‘May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘No.’ ; So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’ ‘Yes she’s out in the garden too’ ‘The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’ Again the ‘No’.

‘Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,’ Is anybody else there? ‘
‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman. ‘ Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’ ‘No, He’s busy,’ whispered the child. ‘Busy doing what?’
‘Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ‘

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’
‘It’s a helicopter’ answered the whispering voice.
‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
‘The search team just landed a helicopter’
‘A search team?’ said the boss. ‘What are they searching for?’
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle … ‘ME’

When couples are younger, or in some cases, young in their relationship, there are certain “activities” they may both enjoy together more frequently than those in longer marriages. In case, you’re still not sure what I’m talking about, it’s s *x. It’s normal for couples to begin their intimate relationships “hot and heavy” only to cool off (sometimes dramatically) after a few years, especially after having kids.

However, the old man in this story has a different problem. You see he’s married to the young, beautiful, wife of his dreams, yet he’s miserable. A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.

”Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love… At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more s* x, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?” The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

We live in a society that tends to think of itself as being rather inclusive and they may even think that we don’t judge people any longer. The fact of the matter is, however, many people do ‘judge a book by its cover’ and will size someone up by simply taking a glance in their direction.

If you take a moment to look behind the scenes and really get to know somebody, however, you might be surprised with what you find. This type of situation came up when a young farmer moved from North Dakota to Florida. He was just starting out at a job and his boss yelled at him but when you read his reply, you will see why this is the funniest joke you will hear all day.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’”

When it comes to jokes, we all tend to have our own personal likes and dislikes. Some of them tend to make us crack up and others just put a simple smile on our face. One of the times when we tend to laugh the most is when something unexpected happens. There are times when we see the punchline coming, but if we don’t, it can really get us going.

That is why we are so happy with the joke below. It starts out funny but it gets even better as you go along. A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife:

“Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four, you’re right.

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest cleavage.

An elderly man has owned this large farm in Louisiana for many years. Right at the back of the farm, there is a large pond that is ideal for swimming. The old farmer fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hasn’t been down there for a while. Before setting off, he grabs an empty bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit. As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, some people are having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are obviously skinny-dipping in his pond. He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately, they all swim over to the far end. One of the women shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave, mister!” The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.” The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!”

After driving for about sixteen hours a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger. “Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker.He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: “I DON’T KNOW THE TIME”, and sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again… “It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him.

A blonde is swimming in a river.

A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?”

She says, “I’m washing my clothes.”

The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?”

The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.”

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. We were fooling around, the passion started to heat up, when she suddenly says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?”

Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She saw my puzzled look and said, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I decided to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her “we’ll just buy them all”. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”

Then I said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”