A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said,
“Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself.
It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose ‘Carmen’” “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong. “Well,” replies the man,
“when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.” “Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.” “That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”
After a long day at work, people sometimes need a good laugh or two. Jokes about blondes are perhaps some of the funniest and everyone knows at least one of them! Unfortunately, blondes are not fans of these jokes, and in one joke, a blonde tries to dispel the myth of the dumb blonde. A Blonde Is Sick Of All The Blonde Jokes… A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and, as luck would have it, he knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. “Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
While driving it off the lot she decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. She hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH… 80MPH… and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of her rear-view mirror.
Thinking her new car could easily outrun the police, she speeds up further until she’s going well over 120MPH but the cop is still in pursuit. Realizing how stupid she is being, she slows down and pulls over. The cop pulls behind her, gets out and storms over to the car.
The woman is so distraught and apologizes profusely and explains that she had just bought the car and made the dumbest mistake of her life. Feeling pity, and it being at the end of his shift, the cop says that if the woman can make him laugh, he’ll let her go without reprimand. Thinking for a moment, she responds: “Well, Sir, about a week ago, my husband left me for a Sheriff and I thought you were trying to bring him back!”
Once he’s arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says, “Listen here, Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!” The old rooster says, “C’mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We’ll stay in the back?” The new rooster is adamant “No way! All the hens are mine!”.
The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he’ll leave and let the new rooster take over. The only catch is that since the old rooster isn’t in very good shape, he needs a head start.
So the roosters line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off. As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is just in front of him. He is so close to beating him. He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.
That’s when the farmer looks up from the front porch and sees the two roosters; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says, “Damn! Third gay rooster this week!”
Edna always replied, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’ One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, ‘Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’ To this, Edna replied, “Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’ Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word… When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Buddy replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know…” “Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger
Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. “What’s this?” she asked. “That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. ”Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?”
I’II come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over” replies the mom. When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. You sent, “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!” Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself.
When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: “Honey, what are you doing?” she give him the same
answer her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?” Her husband thinks long and hard and says, “I think you should have ironed it!