Author: admin

So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour “monitors” and then this happened. Her – why are you double bagging all of your groceries? Me – excuse me? Her – you are wasting our bags! Me – if you don’t like the way I’m bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself. Her – that’s not my job! Me – okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that’s all right with you.

Her – why are you using two bags?!
Me – because the bags are weak and I don’t want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her – well that’s because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn’t need to double bag.

*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me – so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don’t have to double bag.
Her – exactly.
Me – so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.

Her – no because you wouldn’t be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me – okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the …

Me – okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I’m still using two bags for these two items.

Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it’s not the same number of bags.

*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.

Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?

Her- never mind you just don’t get it.

And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

Three brothers each marry a woman. The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy. ”He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy. The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:

“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked. The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”

On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either. On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2×4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.” The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me, lady, ’cause I’m dying to know.

How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?” “That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?” The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he’ll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look s*xy for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.” She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,… “Winnie the Shit.”

The priest, being a gentleman, said, “Due to the circumstances, let’s just share the room. I’ll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I’m sure God will understand”. The nun agrees and they turn off the lights to sleep.
Halfway through the night, the nun who has always had the hots for the priests gets frisky and suddenly has an idea. “Father, it’s very cold. Could you help me? I’m sure God will understand…” Hearing this, the priest gets up from the floor, gets a blanket and gives it to her.

Irritated but determined to succeed, she tries again after a few minutes. “Father, I’m still cold! Could you please help me? I’m sure God will understand…” So the priest gets up, gets a blanket and gives it to her and lies down again on the floor. By now the nun is mad enough that she throws caution to the wind. She sits up in bed and puts on a seductive pose, before saying:

“Father! It’s still cold, and no amount of blankets will help! Just for tonight, why don’t you treat me as if I were your wife? I’m sure God will understand…” The priest slowly sits up from where he lies, breathing deeply as he considers this heavy decision. “Treat you like a husband would his wife, you say?” The nun slowly nods and winks.
Then he makes up his mind and says: “ALRIGHT! GO AND GET YOUR OWN BLANKET! I’M GOING TO SLEEP!”

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question This time he received a response of about 80 percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. “Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any.”

“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual How old are you?” “Ninety three.” “Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.” The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the b*tches.”

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” “Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” “I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. Dad says: “Where were you last night?” Son says: “I was at the library.”

The robot slaps the son. Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”

“Doing what?” asked the father. Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “OK it was dirty!” cried the son. Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother.