Author: admin

Nearly Ex. One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said,

“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.

And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. ”And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod sports car? Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, “I wasn’t…”

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion and the husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass.

His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?”

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will. “To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $8 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $3 million.”

“And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it shampoo.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets. He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.

The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside. He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?” The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it.

There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.

For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?” The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

The deaf sister said to her twin “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other.
“Now get a little closer together” said the cameraman.

Again “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”. So they wiggled up close to each other. “Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus the camera” said the photographer.

Yet again “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!” With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out “OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? CAN I BE FIRST???”

“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!” “Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “80 is the worst age of all!” “Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old. “No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.” “Do you have trouble crapping?” asked the 70-year-old.

“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.” With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?” “I don’t wake up until 7:00!”

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks,

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?” The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and go right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.Age and cunning will overcome youth and technology anytime.