A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman. ”The priest said, “What do you mean, almost? ”The man said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box. ”The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box! ”The man replied,“Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll warn you about what happened last week!
He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! But then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?” Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
There was a talent show in town, and a nun decided to compete with her trained circus cat. The jury was mightily impressed by the nun and her cat, and decided to award her with first prize. The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, “Nun’s pussy best in town” When the bishop saw the headline, he almost choked on his coffee. He immediately called the nun and forbade her from ever performing with the cat again, and to be safe he’d take care of the cat from now on.
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, “Bishop takes care of nun’s pussy” This headline was simply too much for the bishop, so he gave the cat to the abbess, hoping that the whole affair would be forgotten.
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, “Abbess has the best pussy in town”
When the bishop read the paper, he promptly fainted. When he came to, he called the nun and said that the cat couldn’t stay at the monastery any longer and that she had to get rid of it. The nun then sold the cat to a farmer for 50 dollars.
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, “Nun sells pussy for 50 dollars”
The bishop was at his wit’s end. In desperation, he told the nun to buy the cat back and release it in the woods so everyone could forget about the whole thing.
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, “Nun announces that her pussy is wild and free”
The bishop’s funeral was held the next day.
Moral of the story: Stop caring so much about what people think and say, and you’ll live a happier and longer life.
So be yourself and enjoy life! ?
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?” The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is. ”While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter,
“Go get your father.”
American actor John Goodman is well-known for his work in both film and television. His work as Dan Conner on the popular TV series Roseanne, which ran from 1988 to 1997 and was recently revived in 2018, is likely what made him most well-known.
Goodman has acted in a number of movies throughout his career, such as Raising Arizona, The Big Lebowski, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, and Monsters, Inc. He has performed in roles on TV shows like Community and Treme in addition to Roseanne.
He is also renowned for his vocal roles in animated movies and TV shows. He has provided the voices for characters in The Emperor’s New Groove, Cars, The Princess and the Frog, American Dad!, and The Simpsons on television.
John Goodman, a respected American actor best recognized for his work in The Big Lebowski and Roseanne has battled mental illness and substance abuse his whole life.
In 2007, Goodman made it known that he had a depression diagnosis and had battled alcoholism for a long time.
Early in his 20s, he started drinking regularly, and his addiction finally resulted in some physical and psychological disorders. He entered a rehab center in 2007 to address his alcoholism and has been sober ever since.
Goodman has fought not only drunkenness but also depression. At some point in his life, he received a depression diagnosis. He says it’s a “chemical issue, a brain thing,” which shows itself as “wide unhappiness with everything.”
He has been candid about his experience with the condition, claiming it has been a never-ending struggle. Despite this, he has maintained his positive attitude and continued his work and activities in the entertainment sector.
He has worked hard recently to put his health and well-being first. He has vowed to keep his mental health in good shape and has remained sober. His attention has also been on maintaining a balanced diet and active lifestyle.
John Goodman is renowned for having a hefty physique. However, he realized that his stature posed a health danger sometime in the 2000s. In a 2010 interview with David Letterman, he said he was “pushing 400 pounds… somewhere up there.”
Goodman claimed that he had previously fluctuated in weight and had no trouble losing (and gaining) 60 pounds at once. It was not, however, the healthiest cycle. Friends and family asked him to “lighten up” since his enormous frame was shattering furnishings.
Given his significant weight loss, Goodman seems to be a candidate for gastric bypass or lap band surgery. But he never relied on modern medicine to give him his new look.
He stressed portion control in many interviews; the less he drank, the less he ate till he was in pain. However, he needed Mackie Shilstone, his trainer, to help him determine which foods would benefit him.
The Mediterranean diet is described by Shilstone as “primarily plant-based, with a decreased intake of red meat, lots of fruits and vegetables, and strongly driven by olive oil.”
He works out six days a week as well. Goodman urged Peter Travers to move and exercise. “I can no longer afford to be a couch potato. Despite how demanding it is, it drives me to work.”
Goodman has lost 100 pounds of weight. And he hasn’t shown any signs of gaining weight since he took on the role of Dan Conner again in 2018. He seems to attribute his continued progress to the 12-step philosophy
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,…
… wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says: “A gorgeous Italian girl!”The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – a gorgeous Italian girl!”
“Oh, that” she said, “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!”
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
