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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph.” Ralph was stunned.

“I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St Peter said,“I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.” Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m going to explode.”

“You’re ovulating, explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” “Never,” said Ralph. “Well just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster “It’s no big deal.” Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell… “RALPH WAKE UP. YOU s*** THE BED!”

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

“With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No”, said her husband.

She gave him a s*xy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft,silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked: “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another s*xy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.“Now” she said:“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?” “No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:“Good go look in the garage.”

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassingly. “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”

He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray, Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that awful phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the lady responded, “This may very well be the solution. ”The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had s*x.

“Tarzan not know s*x.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must put it in here.”Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?!” Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..

The following story comes from Reddit and it’s so good that is has been around for a while. Check it out below.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”

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Every now and then, we all need to cheer up a bit and forget about our everyday problems.

The following joke will likely make your day, so make sure you don’t miss it.

A gentleman and a lady were dining at a Fancy Restaurant

While attending to a different table, the waitress observed the man gradually sinking down his seat and disappearing beneath the table, while the woman displayed an indifferent demeanor.

Observing the scene, the waitress witnessed the man smoothly gliding down his chair until he vanished beneath the table.

While the woman opposite him maintained a composed and unaffected demeanor, seemingly oblivious to her companion’s disappearance.

Upon completing the order, the waitress approached the table and addressed the woman, saying, “Excuse me, madam, but I believe your husband just slipped beneath the table.”

In response, the woman gazed up at the waitress with composure and replied confidently, “No, he didn’t. He simply entered through the door.”

If you found this funny, check another joke below.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:

* Family Member: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”
* Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
* Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
* Bank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
* Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
* Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”
* Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
* Bank: “Excuse me?”
* Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?”
* Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone:

* Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”
* Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
* Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
* Bank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
* Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
* Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
* Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

· Bank: “Our system just isn’t set-up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
· Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”
· Bank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”
· Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
· Bank: “That might help.”
· Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
· Bank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
· Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?

For the sake of it people, please cancel your credit card before you die. Man this is very funny.

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Steven Seagal is one of those Hollywood celebrities who gained fame almost overnight. However, this actor has had quite a turbulent life, moving from one place to another and devoting his time to the things that truly made him happy.

Seagal was born on April 10, 1952, in Lansing, Michigan, but his family moved to Fullerton, California when he was just five. Growing up, Seagal has always had a thing for blues and got his first instrument at a very young age. Another thing that interested him a great deal and which later became crucial part of his life was martial arts.

At the age of 17, Seagal lied about his age in order to get a job at a restaurant as a dishwasher. The chef, who knew karate, could see young Seagal’s affection for the art so he decided to teach him some moves. This made Seagal fall for martial arts even more, so he decided to leave US and move to Japan in order to master the art.

He spent 15 years learning karate, judo, kendo, and aikido and received black belts for each of these arts. At the same time, Seagal became the first ever Westerner to open dojo, a “school for training in various arts of self-defense,” in Japan.

Unlike many foreigners who go to Japan in order to learn martial arts and pay to be taught the basics before they return home and try to spread that knowledge, Seagal excelled and told the Los Angeles Times in 1986, “You have to understand that the way to enlightenment is through deprivation. They create an environment where you’re not getting any approval for all the work you’re putting in.

“You’re not getting any sleep or love or attention, you’re getting your butt kicked and you’re up before anyone fixing meals and cleaning.

“They push you to your limit and when you are so deprived and so hungry for everything, a little window opens up in your mind that when they do give you something you’re going to get it, understand it, appreciate it, and you’ll understand some of the mystical deeper meaning that starts to become available to you.

“The martial arts have to be an endeavor in which you’re trying to develop the physical man and perfect the spiritual self at the same time,” he added. “If that you’re doing is devoid of the spiritual essence, i’s nothing but street fighting.”

Once in America, Seagal practiced what he learned throughout the course of 15 years.

After watching some movies in which actors tried karate or other martial arts and failed or weren’t that good, according to Seagal, he decided to move to L.A. and offer his knowledge. At the same time, he wanted to try himself in the acting business.

Seagal worked on films such as The Challenge (1982), starring Scott Glenn, and the James Bond film Never Say Never Again (1983) with Sean Connery.

Speaking of working with Seagal, Connery said on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno in 1996, “We were going to do a film called Never Say Never Again and there was a possibility I was going to do Aikido and what have you.

“I got ahold of Steven and we had this training in the building where I had an apartment and he was really very, very good and everything. And I got a little cocky because I thought I knew what I was doing because the principle is its defense, so it’s a pyramid and I got a bit flash.

“I did that – and he broke my wrist.”

Along with being sort of celebrity in the world of martial arts and appearing on the covers of many magazines, Seagal also worked as a bodyguard for many celebrities, among which Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz, who would become his life-long friend and who would help him with his acting career.

Ovitz was certain that Seagal would do great on screen so he decided to pay for his screen test with Warner Bros.

“The demonstration was quite miraculous,” Warner Bros. President Terry Semel told the Los Angeles Times in 1988. “With just a toss of his hand, Steven would send the other guy flying. I’m no martial-arts expert, but he had the ability to knock these guys up in the air so effortlessly–well, it was pretty astounding.”

That was the start of a successful career which made Steven Seagal an international star. Over the course of the years, the Under Siege star starred in more than 50 movies.

When it comes to his private life, it’s nothing short of tumultuous .

Seagal has been married four times and has seven children. With his marriage to aikido master Miyako Fujitani, he has son Kentaro and daughter Ayake.

Seagal and his second wife, Adrienne LaRussa, were married for only three months before calling it quits. Three years after the divorce, he married actress Kelly LeBrock and welcomed daughters Annaliza and Arissa, as well as a son, Dominic. The marriage ended after nine years, in 1996. While married to LeBrock, Seagal had an affair with his children’s nanny, Arissa Wolf, with whom he has daughter Savannah.

Currently, Seagal is married to Erdenetuya “Elle” Batsukh, Mongolian-American television personality and dancer. They have one daughter together.

When it comes to Seagal’s children, reports are he’s not in a great relationship with any of them. Speaking to RadarOnline, his eldest son Kentaro revealed that he doesn’t speak to his father anymore and Seagal hasn’t reached out to him. Kentaro went on to say that he doesn’t “even know” his father.

Steven Seagal is now living in Moscow, Russia, after he was granted Russian citizenship in November 2016. Apparently, he’s working as a “special representative for Russian-US humanitarian ties” and left America in order to avoid paying $200,000 which he owes for failing to disclose after he was being paid to promote a digital token.

In most of the photos he shares on his Instagram account, Steven Seagal, 69, looks almost unrecognizable. The 6 ft 4 actor has a net worth of $16 million.

This guy pulled up to the bar in a brand new Cadillac. He gets out, walks inside, pulls out a rolls of twenties and starts buying everybody drinks. The weird part was is he had a head the size of a grapefruit. The bartender stirs up a conversation and says, “Hey man, not to be rude but I have to ask… what’s with your tiny head?”

The man shrugs and says, “Well its a funny story. You have probably heard the stories. I was travelling around the orient and found this old oil lamp. I figured I might as give it a shot and so I rubbed it. All of the sudden this gorgeous genie comes out of the lamp and gives her whole spiel about 3 wishes. ”“First thing I wished for was this roll of $20’s that never ends. I’m still spending the thing. Works great.”

“So for my second wish, I asked for a brand new Cadillac that becomes new again every year. Pretty great to always have a brand new car.” “The problem was I sort of hit a brick wall and didn’t know what else to wish for. I thought for a bit and told the genie. “Well, I’m not sure what else to wish for, but you are pretty hot. Want to fool around?”

The genie responded, “Hey it’s your wish. But I’m just smoke from the waste down. Not a whole lot of fun there”
So I asked, “How about a little head?”