Author: admin

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.

I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong seexdrive.” The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…”

An 85 year old lady is waiting for her husband at the bar in Harpoon Harry’s. Suddenly, a very handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away.

The man is so a ttractive she cannot keep her eyes off him. After a short time, the man notices her staring and approaches her.

Before the lady has time to apologize, the man looks deep into her eyes and says in a sulty tone, “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. I doesn’t matter how e xtreme or unusual it is, I will do it. For this I want $100 cash. And, there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by this turn of events, the lady asks him what the condition is. You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The lady takes a moment to consider the offer from the handsome man. She reaches into her handbag and puts $100 in his hand. She then smiles, looks him square in the eyes, and slowly, but clearly says, “Paint my house.”

A soldier approached a nun Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,

“I can’t thank you enough, sister.

You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.

” The nun said, “I understand completely.

” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher,

you would have seen a great pair of balls….

I don’t want to go to Syria either.”

The wife comes home loaded with parcels and laughing says to her husband “Honey, I was doing some shopping when I ran out of money.

So I came to your office but since you weren’t there,
I took 500 euros from the cash desk by myself , you don’t mind do you?”

“Absolutely not! It’s been a long time since I changed offices

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.

“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.

Enraged, the man runs back
upstairs, flings open the wardrobe

and finds his brother there absolutely
naked, just as his son had said.

“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife
is over there having a heart attack and you’re
running around naked scaring Johnny!”

Two people living in a retirement home, an elderly man and an elderly woman, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?” He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.

In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!” Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve…I’ve been a hooker.” “That’s alright.” Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” ‘Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” “I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”

“I cannot say.” “Was it Lisa O’Shanter?” “I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Fiona Mallory?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration

“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.” “Yes, Father.” Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”

Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day shewould ask him to please let her have the set, and Every day he would say. “No.” One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said. You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.”Dolly was so excited, and “Anything you want, honey!”

“Well.” He began. “When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.” “Grow hair on my chest?” Dolly was devastated. “How am I going to do that?” Her husband just smiled and went off to work. Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.

“Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!” “You did?” Her husband stammered. “You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!” “I sure do!” She replied.

“No way! Let me see it.” Replied her husband. “OK!” She said as she lifted up her skirt. “There it is!” She pointed to her privates. “HONEY! That is not your chest!” “Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your ‘hope’ chest. Since we’ve been married it’s been your ‘tool’ chest. And if I don’t get my living room set, it’s going to be the ‘community’ chest!”

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald’s… When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich. “ No, no, that’s fine,” says the old man, “We share everything.”

So the old man starts eating his half-burger and his half-order of fries– but his wife is sitting there, not eating her share of the food. One of the students notices this, and asks why she isn’t touching her food; was something wrong? “Oh no, it’s fine,” replied the old woman. “I’m just waiting for my turn with the dentures.”