Author: admin

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –

you have to be single and you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.” The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

A guy was seated at the bar and gazing at his drink. A large, troublesome biker approaches him, snatches the drink, and downs it in one gulp.

He says menacingly, “Well, what are you going to do about it?” “Come on, man,” he shouted at him.Then he said, “I didn’t expect you to cry. I cannot bear to see a man in tears.

The man responded, “This is the worst day of my life; I am a total disaster. Due to my tardiness to a meeting, my supervisor fired me. When I arrived at the parking lot, I discovered that my car had been stolen, and I have no insurance. I forgot my wallet in the taxi home. The moment I discovered my wife with another man, my dog struck me.I continued, “Therefore, I came to this bar to build up the courage to end it all, and I ordered a drink…
I drop in a capsule and wait while the poison dissolves; then you arrive and drink the entire thing. However, enough about me; how is your day going?

What age comes to mind when someone is mentioned as being “old”? That age keeps getting older as we move closer to it, so this is a fascinating question. When we are young, we may consider someone in their 30s to be old, but when we are 50 or older, we consider someone in their 70s to be still relatively young.

Many people have a misperception about “old” people, which is that as you get older, you start to lose the zest for life. This 70-year-old widow disproves that theory by placing a husband-wanted ad in the newspaper.

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again… She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

A guy and his girlfriend are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The girl is just hopping out so she says, “I’ll get it”. She goes to the door with just a towel around her.

There’s a guy at the front door who looks at the half-naked beauty and says, “My name is Barry, I’ll give you $500 to drop the towel!”

The girl thinks for a moment and decides, “What the heck”. So she drops the towel.

The guy ogles her gorgeous body for a minute, gives her the $500 and leaves.

She goes back upstairs where her boyfriend is just getting out of the shower. He asks, “Who was at the door?”

She says, “Oh, some guy named Barry.”

Boyfriend says, “Oh, that’s my mate Barry, did he give you the $500 he owes me?”

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

“Are you okay?” “I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.“Why don’t you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.” “Oh, come on now”, she insisted.

She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … “Well, okay,” I finally agreed, “However, I’m sure my wife won’t like it.” After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?” “Still under the cart, I suppose.”

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.

As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him,

“Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”
The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “Where are we?”

“He doesn’t speak English” replies the husband.

3 blondes walk into a police station looking for a job as a detective.

They meet with the police chief who says “I’m going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him.”

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says “He’s only got one eye”. The police chief responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye.”

He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says “He’s only got one ear”. The police chief again responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear.”

He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says “He wears contact lenses.” Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says “That’s oddly correct. How did you know that?” The blonde responds, “Well with one eye and one ear, he can’t be wearing glasses.”

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said: 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car.

We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl.

Now I have a huge expensive house, many expensive cars, a huge bed in a luxurious bedroom, and a wide-screen color TV,

but I share a bed with a 69-year-old woman. I’m starting to doubt my marriage.

His wife suggested:

-You can find yourself a 19-year-old girl,

and I will make sure that you live again in a small house, sleep on a sagging sofa, and watch black-and-white TV.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. “I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it’s way too hard for me!”

“What’s the jigsaw supposed to be?” asks the brunette. “According to the box,” says the blonde, “it’s supposed to be a rooster.” When the brunette arrives at the blonde’s apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde …

“I’m afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster.” This makes the blonde furious. “Calm down,” says the brunette. “Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box.”