Category: jokes

90 YEAR OLD GOLFER A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game. “But why?” asks his wife. “Well, it’s my eyesight. I can’t see where the ball goes after I hit it”.

The wife says, “Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect.” He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: “Did you see that Pete?” His brother-in-law says, “Yes, I saw that perfectly.” The golfer says, “Well, where is it then?” Pete responds, “I don’t remember.”

A little boy asked his father a question. “Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies.

But how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently. After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust. “You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

My nephew is 5. Im 33F. A few months ago he asked me “Auntie Franny, are you a grown-up?” I got really quiet, cautiously looked around, put my finger to my mouth and told him “Im still a kid, but you can’t tell anyone because no one knows.

“His eyes got huge and he loudly whispered “I KNEW IT!!! “Now every time I see him, he comes up to me at some point and whispers “don’t worry, I haven’t told them.” Then proceeds to ask more question about my life as a secret kid. And every time I’m video chatting with him and my sister, he sneaks an obvious wink, and I wink back, and only we know what that wink means. And to this day, he is the only person that knows I’m still a kid and that I’ve been faking it all this time.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr.

Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. “And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase. “Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon! ”The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.

“You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’s the sun! ”Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun? ”The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

So the new CEO decides it’s time to rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers. Seeing a chance to show he meant business.

He says to the guy, ‘How much money do you make a week?’ A little surprised, the young man says, ‘I make $400. Why?’ The CEO says, ‘Wait right here.’ He walks back to his office and comes back in two minutes. He hands the guy $1,600 in cash and says, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out and don’t come back! ’Feeling like a boss now, the CEO looks around and says, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball’s job was around here?’ From across the room, a voice says, ‘Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.’

FINALLY…THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on It. ‘has your picture on It. “The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

You know, it’s true what they say. Kids do say the darndest things. Often times they are just being silly, but sometimes they can floor you with such profound insight it’ll send a chill down your spine. Then there are those moments when their brutal honesty can embarrass the socks off their parents.

Kids just have zero filters and will tell it like it is, sometimes putting their parents in some hilarious situations. In this joke, a mom takes her little girl to visit the bank, only to find out exactly what she’d been learning all week while hanging out with the construction workers next door.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. one day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew – gems in the rough, all of them – more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week”.

“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too”?

“I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the f***ing bricks”, replied the little girl.

LOL

If you enjoyed this joke, please be sure to pass it along to your family and friends.

There are many times when it is best to be polite. We may have somebody saying something rude to us or perhaps something we don’t want to hear, but when we reply kindly, it often smooths over the problem and can prevent other issues from coming up in the future.

This was something that happened to older southern women when one was bragging about everything her husband had bought her. The other woman answered nicely, but in the end, she was able to get the final laugh. Enjoy the joke.

Two older southern women recently rekindled a friendship after many, many years.

They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.

The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”

Second lady: “Well, isn’t that nice.”

First lady: “See that big ol nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me”

Second lady: “Well, isn’t that nice.”

First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house. “See this big ol house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”

Second lady: “Well isn’t that nice.”

First lady: “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”

Second lady: “Well my husband sent me to finishing school.”

First lady, incredulous: “Now why would he do something like that?”

Second lady: “So I’d learn to say things like ‘Well how nice’ instead of Shove it.”

What is your favorite type of joke? Some people gravitate toward blonde jokes and others appreciate any joke where a guy walks into a bar. We tend to like the same type of jokes and that is probably because they align with our lives somehow.

If you are a trucker, or if you have a trucker in your life, you will love the joke we have for you here. There is just enough truth to it to make it understandable and a killer punch line.

Of course, you don’t have to drive a truck to appreciate good humor. I’m sure you will love this joke and will even share it with someone else.

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25,” says another jogger.