Category: jokes

For guys, birth control can be a touchy subject, especially when it comes to “going under the knife” for a more “permanent solution.” Of course, the surgery is a lot more invasive for women, but still, many guys don’t want their “equipment” tampered with in any way by a doctor.

Some fear it may never work again, while others just don’t want to experience the post-surgery discomfort. However, for others they’re objections are based more on the financial cost than anything else. Such was the case for the husband in this joke who wanted to use a cheaper form of birth control.

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that a procedure called a vasectomy could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The guy said to the doctor, “I may not be a smart man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.” He wanted a second opinion, so he visited a doctor in Georgia.

That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light, put it in an empty beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure as the first doctor, he decided it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in the beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1,2,3,4,5” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

LOL, oh no…

Please be sure to pass this joke along to your friends and family.

Waitresses have pretty tough jobs. No matter what guys who work or worked as waiters say, ladies have to deal with things they don’t even think about. So many times attractive women are harassed and hit on by guys with one thing on their minds (and it’s not food or drink).

But, for the most part, these hard-working professionals keep their cool and even manage to deliver “service with a smile,” despite the fact they are probably seething with rage on the inside. However, the waitress in this joke doesn’t hold back when it comes to letting one customer know exactly what he can do with his “order.”

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

“What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

“What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”

If you got a kick out this joke please be sure to pass it along to your family and friends!

Imagine if you took a group of third graders and extracted all of the wisdom they had to offer about life. We often recognize that children have a way at sizing up a situation and perhaps even coming up with a solution that is beyond brilliant. Even if they are not trying to fix something, their ability to see the forest through the trees often amazes us. That is why the following answers from third graders are sure to touch your heart. They were asked to tell something about their grandparents and it is the best thing I’ve seen all year.

1- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.

2- A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.

3- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old, they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

4- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

5- They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks”.

6- They don’t say, “Hurry up.”

7- Usually, grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

8- They wear glasses and funny underwear.

9- They can take their teeth and gums out.

10- Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

11- They have to answer questions like “Why isn’t God married?” and “How come dogs chase cats?”

12- When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

13- Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

14- They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

15- Grandpa is the smartest man on earth. He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him.

16- It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

17- Grandma, she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go and get her. Then when she’s done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.

Like most people, you tend to go from one conversation to another throughout the day and you really don’t give it much thought. Sometimes, you may even find yourself in the middle of a rather unusual conversation and when you walk away, you regret that you didn’t speak up and say what was on your mind.

Some of us avoid doing so because we want to be polite but others just are a little too shy to speak up every time you have something funny come to your mind. You may not want to hurt somebody’s feelings or perhaps you don’t want to look like an idiot in front of others. When you do speak up, however, it can be a very funny situation. That was the case with this man, and you will laugh when you hear what he said.

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco’s store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tesco’s.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

An old saying goes, “you can’t take it with you.” However, daily, we see examples of people who seem to believe that isn’t true. Some genuinely greedy souls in the world would gladly bury all their wealth with them when they leave this world without sharing a single cent with friends, family, and most certainly not strangers. However, one clever wife found a way to balance the scales after her husband insisted that she bury all of his money with him. Of course, this is only a story, but would it surprise anyone if it was based on something that really took place?

Image Source: Pexels

This story is about a modern-day Scrooge. He worked hard all his life and refused to spend his money on anything but what was necessary for himself to survive. He counted every penny with the goal of growing his savings. He even went so far as to express to his wife he wanted to be buried with his money because he loved it more than anything in the world.

Before he passed away, he said to his wife, “Listen up! When I die, I want you to put all of my hard-earned money into the casket with me before I’m buried. Wherever I end up in the afterlife, I want to take my money with me. ”

His wife, being the kindhearted woman she was, wanted to respect her husband’s wishes. However, hearing her husband’s most selfish request must have hurt her. Nevertheless, the man guilted his wife into promising him he would leave this life with his money in hand.

Image Source: Pexels

When the woman’s husband eventually died, the decision to honor his request was difficult on multiple levels. Not only was it hard for her to realize her husband was so selfish, but the woman now lived on a fixed income. She could’ve certainly used his money to help herself and those around her. But, the promise she made her husband weighed heavy on her heart. This wise woman came up with a clever plan to make everyone happy!

Image Source: Pexels

The day of the funeral came, and the woman was in the front row being consoled by her best friend. At the end of the ceremony, the widow, dressed in black, stood and said, “Wait a minute!”

Image Source: Pexels

Now came the moment of truth. Would she obey her husband’s wishes? Her best friend watched in disbelief as the widow carried out her promise. The woman knew she couldn’t live with the guilt of breaking the promise to her husband. She clutched a shoebox tightly in her hands and finally placed it in the casket with her husband’s body right before it was taken away.

Image Source: Pexels

Her friend had seen enough and needed to know what decision was made. She said to the woman, “I hope didn’t put any money in there with that selfish man!”

The loyal widow smiled and responded, “Yes, I promised him I would. I’m a good Christian and I cannot tell a lie. I promised him that I would put that money in that casket with him.”

Horrified, the friend asked, “You actually put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” answered the widow. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check.”

Image Source: Pexels

Thanks for reading. Please be so kind as to pass this story along to your friends and family?

An old saying goes, “you can’t take it with you.” However, daily, we see examples of people who seem to believe that isn’t true. Some genuinely greedy souls in the world would gladly bury all their wealth with them when they leave this world without sharing a single cent with friends, family, and most certainly not strangers. However, one clever wife found a way to balance the scales after her husband insisted that she bury all of his money with him. Of course, this is only a story, but would it surprise anyone if it was based on something that really took place?

This story is about a modern-day Scrooge. He worked hard all his life and refused to spend his money on anything but what was necessary for himself to survive. He counted every penny with the goal of growing his savings. He even went so far as to express to his wife he wanted to be buried with his money because he loved it more than anything in the world.

Before he passed away, he said to his wife, “Listen up! When I die, I want you to put all of my hard-earned money into the casket with me before I’m buried. Wherever I end up in the afterlife, I want to take my money with me. ”

His wife, being the kindhearted woman she was, wanted to respect her husband’s wishes. However, hearing her husband’s most selfish request must have hurt her. Nevertheless, the man guilted his wife into promising him he would leave this life with his money in hand.

When the woman’s husband eventually died, the decision to honor his request was difficult on multiple levels. Not only was it hard for her to realize her husband was so selfish, but the woman now lived on a fixed income. She could’ve certainly used his money to help herself and those around her. But, the promise she made her husband weighed heavy on her heart. This wise woman came up with a clever plan to make everyone happy!

The day of the funeral came, and the woman was in the front row being consoled by her best friend. At the end of the ceremony, the widow, dressed in black, stood and said, “Wait a minute!”

Now came the moment of truth. Would she obey her husband’s wishes? Her best friend watched in disbelief as the widow carried out her promise. The woman knew she couldn’t live with the guilt of breaking the promise to her husband. She clutched a shoebox tightly in her hands and finally placed it in the casket with her husband’s body right before it was taken away.

Her friend had seen enough and needed to know what decision was made. She said to the woman, “I hope didn’t put any money in there with that selfish man!”

The loyal widow smiled and responded, “Yes, I promised him I would. I’m a good Christian and I cannot tell a lie. I promised him that I would put that money in that casket with him.”

Horrified, the friend asked, “You actually put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” answered the widow. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check.”

Thanks for reading. Please be so kind as to pass this story along to your friends and family?

Have you ever had a conversation that just seemed to ‘go south’ as soon as it started? Many of us may start one of these conversations in a perfectly normal manner but as things progress, they tend to escalate quickly. That is especially true as we begin to learn a little bit more about the other person’s point of view. This joke shows that it doesn’t only happen to us here, it shows what happens when two women have a conversation after they die. In the end, you will be laughing out loud.

Two women were talking in Heaven.

Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?

I froze to death.

How horrible said the other woman!

It wasn’t so bad replied Sylvia.

After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy. Eventually, I died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.

I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early so that I could catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched. Then I scurried down into the basement.

After that, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere!

Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer. We’d both still be alive.

When it comes to jokes, we all tend to have our own personal likes and dislikes. Some of them tend to make us crack up and others just put a simple smile on our face.

One of the times when we tend to laugh the most is when something unexpected happens. There are times when we see the punchline coming, but if we don’t, it can really get us going.

That is why we are so happy with the joke below. It starts out funny but it gets even better as you go along.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said.

“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife:

“Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.

Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.

One, two, three, four, you’re right.

When was the last time you heard a good joke? Some people love jokes and others tolerate them but we all have one thing in common, it feels good when we laugh.

If it has been a while since you’ve had a good chuckle, then we have a treat for you. This joke has been around for a long time but every time we hear it, we can’t help but smile.

This is one of those jokes that you just can’t keep to yourself, so go ahead and have a good laugh and then share the laugh with others.

A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section, and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”

A woman who sleeps with another woman’s husband will say anything to try to justify their actions. “His wife is crazy, his wife is a b**ch, he doesn’t love her anymore”.

They never stop to question the man who cheats on the woman he vowed his life to. They never stop to wonder if perhaps his wife is a question the man who cheats on the woman he vowed his life to. They never stop to wonder if perhaps his wife is a crazy bitch because his cheating ass made her that way. And they certainly never stop to think that maybe someday he might do the same to her.

There is a diner in New Orleans that advertises that it will serve you anything you want…but if they can’t, they will give you $5,000 as an apology. A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance…Thinking it’s probably a scam, he decides to try it out anyway. As he enters the diner, a waitress seats him at a table… She asks the man, “What can I get you, Sir? ”The man thinks for a moment then says, “How about an elephant’s ear and a muffin?

”The waitress replies, “You bet, I’ll be right back with your order. ”The waitress then heads back to the kitchen…After waiting nearly 20 minutes, the man begins to think that this is going to be an easy $5,000. At the same moment, the waitress returns… Appearing a little anxious, the waitress asks, “I’m sorry sir… ”“But would you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?

”The man is stunned… “Uhhh, how about an Indian elephant.” replies the man. The waitress says, “Thank you, sir,” as she heads back to the kitchen. Not a minute later, the waitress returns again…“I’m sorry sir, would you like the left or the right ear?” she asks. The man is starting to become very nervous at this point… “Uhhhh, the left ear, I guess. “Thank you, sir,” replies the waitress as she returns to the kitchen…The man is beginning to wonder what he has gotten himself into, as he has no idea what an elephant ear costs. A few minutes later, the waitress returns with a platter of food and a $5,000 check. The waitress tells the man, “Here is your order sir. “And please accept this check and our apologies… ”“But we are out of muffins today.”