Category: jokes

Daughter’s text to Dad: Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready. LOL! As you know, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp.

He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love, Lilly. Dad’s reply: Dad’s reply: My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. Lots of love, Dad.

She Was Stunned With Her Kids Behavior Towards The Server. How She Taught Them A Lesson Is Genius. So… I am the meanest mom ever… Like… Ever. Took the kids to Dairy Queen after dinner. They ordered their dessert choices and we waited about 5 minutes for them to call out our number. The young lady (maybe 17) handed each child their ice cream. Not one looked her in the eye. Not one said thank you. Not to her, not to me… So I waited.

I counted to 10 in my head as they dug into their ice cream and the young lady just looked at me (probably because she thought I was hearing voices) and I watched as my children strolled out the door. I followed them outside where I calmly collected their ice creams and my kids watched in horror as I deposited them into the nearby garbage can. All 3 launched into mass hysteria. I waited. Quiet. Calm. When they realized I had something to say, they quieted down. I explained that one day, if they were lucky, they would work a job like that young lady. And I would hope that people would see them. Really see them. Look them in the eye and say thank you. We are too old at 8/7/5 to move through our days without exercising manners and honestly basic human decency. So today, I am the meanest mom in the world.

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up… She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Karen and you’re losing some of your load. “At the next red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the woman gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again, she says “Hi, my name is Karen, and you are losing some of your load! window. Again, she says “Hi, my name is Karen, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he gets out of the truck and runs back to the woman’s car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in lowa and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much. ”That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation — nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed. “How was your dinner date?” Asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place where mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates — one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. “I love you, son.” At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I love you,” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family.

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked. Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He said he was “only thinking of me”, he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the ladies. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on him. I e-mailed him and told him that I had joined a Parachute Club.

He replied, “Are you nuts? You are 60 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes? “I told him that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him. I told him that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him. He immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses? !This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club. “Oh man, I’m in trouble again, I said, I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!! “The line went quiet and his friend picked up the phone and said that my son had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun….. a friend Stolen from.

In the field of education, there are moments that stand out, moments that make you smile and shake your head in wonder. The story of Johnny, a freshman who thought he was too smart for his own class, is one such moment. This entertaining story takes us on a journey through Johnny’s daring quest to prove his intellect and the unexpected twists and turns that ensue.

One of the first graders had big problems with the teacher. The teacher asked, “Johnny, what’s your problem?” Johnny stated, “I’m too smart for first grade.” “My sister, who is in third grade, is less intelligent than me. I think I’m in the wrong class. The instructor went too far. Johnny visited the principal with her. While Johnny waited in the hallway outside, the teacher informed the principal of the situation. The boy would take a test, the headmaster informed the instructor, and if he didn’t do well, he would be sent back to first grade to learn appropriate behavior. The professor agreed. Johnny decided to take part in the test after being brought in and informed of its specifications.

“What is 3 + 3?” you ask the student.
Johnny: “9”
The teacher asked again, “How much is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”

The students were tested on everything the principal thought a third-grader should know. After glancing at the teacher, the principal declares, “I think Johnny can go to third grade.” “Can I ask him a few questions?” the teacher asks. from the school principal. The director and Johnny have the same opinion. Instructor: “What does a cow have four of and I only have two?” After a short pause, Johnny says, “Legs.” What do you have in your pants and I don’t?” continued the teacher. The teacher’s eyes widened noticeably, but Johnny replied, “Pockets”. “What does a dog do when a person steps on it?” continued the lecturer. Johnny: “Pants” What has the letters F and K in it and means great excitement, asked the teacher the next question. Johnny: says, “Fire truck.” “Put Johnny in fifth grade,” the principal told the instructor, “I missed the last four questions myself.” Leaving the principal’s office with a newfound sense of accomplishment, Johnny not only demonstrated his intelligence but also brought humor and laughter to the school’s administrative corridors. His bold effort to challenge the status quo not only earned him a promotion but also left an indelible mark on the hearts of his teacher and principal.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s okay, it’s a coincidence, I’m looking for my wife, too I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate. ”The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her What does she look like? “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts What does your wife look like? ”The old guy replies, “It doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.’”

An old country boy with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game Warden.
The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“No, sir. Don’t need one.” These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish??” the game warden barked.
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim
right back into My net and I take ’em home.”

“HOGWASH! you’re under arrest.”
He said, “It’s the truth. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!” 
He said, “It’s the truth. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”
“We do, now, do we?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
He released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHAT?” The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back? “Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden! “What fish?”.

A woman took it to Reddit after canceling the family Thanksgiving dinner she had hosted for the past twenty years. She made the difficult decision because of her brother’s wife. Part of her family thought she did the wrong thing by canceling the dinner, while others supported her decision. She posted her story on Reddit to see what strangers thought about it. The 40-year-old woman’s Thanksgiving dinner invitation was to her mother, children, and siblings, along with their spouses, to her place. When her brother was invited, his wife responded with a message that led her to cancel the event. What Went Wrong to Cause the Cancelation The original poster (OP) shared how she’d met her brother’s wife, Julie, five years ago. Since then, over the years, her sister-in-law always created problems over the annual Thanksgiving dinner with the Reddit user explaining: “Julie is very big into fad diets (Atkins, keto, South Beach) and every year she sends me a list of foods that she cannot eat and a list of things that she can. ”For the previous year’s festivities, Julie sent a list to OP, who prepared her sister-in-law’s special meals according to the woman’s new diet plan. Despite her efforts, the annual family dinner still got ruined. OP revealed what happened that year, sharing how Julie became upset at the dinner table because her husband didn’t want to eat her ketogenic diet food. The Reddit user shared how they fought at the Thanksgiving table and ruined the night.

When OP invited her family to the Thanksgiving dinner she was hosting this year, Julie informed her that she was following a special fertility diet since she was trying for a baby through in-vitro fertilization (IVF). Annoyed, OP texted Julie that she was only making one dish that year and couldn’t cater to her request. OP explained what she told her, saying: “I texted her back and told her that this year I was making one meal and one meal only and she could either eat what was being served or bring her own food.” After reading OP’s message, Julie got offended and replied by saying her husband’s sister was acting selfishly for not considering her request. She also complained about OP to her husband that night. OP’s brother criticized her over the phone for ruining the Thanksgiving dinner the following day. He also reminded her of when Julie catered to her food allergies while hosting a BBQ party earlier that year. In her defense, OP said that her food allergies were life-threatening, and Julie’s diet was her own choice that changed every year. She told him he couldn’t compare the two things. OP’s brother then called their mother, who told him that everyone in the family struggled to keep up with Julie’s dietary needs, so she should bring her diet food to family dinners. When OP discussed the issue with her husband, he suggested she cancel the dinner, and she agreed. She sent a message to everyone that the Thanksgiving dinner was canceled, saying: “I am serving (Thanksgiving menu). If they want to come over and eat with us, they are welcome to do so. ”After reading OP’s message, her sister, husband, and son supported her decision, while her mother believed she shouldn’t have canceled the dinner. She posted her story on Reddit to ask other people for advice. Many Reddit users criticized Julie’s behavior, stating that accommodating such requests was unnecessary, and some shared their own experiences with dietary preferences. One person mentioned transitioning to a vegan diet and facing criticism from vegan coworkers for cooking non-vegan meals for family members. The general sentiment was that Julie’s demands were unreasonable, and the OP’s decision not to alter the entire Thanksgiving dinner for her was justified.