Category: jokes

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

“No problem,” says the man in the corvette, “I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride.” The man says, “Ok!” They take off and the driver yells back, “Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast.” No problem the man thinks.

They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and they’re off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police dept: “Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street.” “What’s so weird about that?” asks the other cops. The first cop says, “There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!”

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one in the middle. “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?” “I don’t like her.”

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she”s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she”s pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says hell be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look… lie here on the bed — you” l be thrown right to the floor!” So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”The manager calmly replies to the husband, “Would you believe I”m waiting for a train?”

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again. ”The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

The husband whisperes to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this. ”She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady. The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, a woman and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. She went inside to get seats while he bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, the father-to-be knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and re몭lled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode.

One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby. When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to the mother-to-be turned andsaid, “You’re not going to let him hold the baby, are you?

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator.

And I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away. ”The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.” The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.” With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. he’d never been with a call girl before.

But he decides what the hell it’s only twenty bucks. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light fashes on them it’s a police officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the o몭cer. “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.

If she stayed in Italy he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this mall town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on

this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking… “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million…” “Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”

“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…” This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”

Yesterday my daughter e­mailed me yet again, asking why I didn’t dosomething useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked. Talking about my “doing­something­useful” seems to be her favourite topicof conversation.

She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down tothe Senior Centre and hang out with the guys.I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going tostart jumping out of planes?”I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses?!This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club”. “Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. Isigned up for five jumps a week!”. The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that mydaughter had fainted.